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Jeff Yalden’s BOOM Podcast: Dealing with Resentment and Anger

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For this, the eighth episode of motivational speaker and Amazon bestselling author Jeff Yalden’s BOOM Podcast, he decided to once again speak from the heart – this time about something that had been weighing on his heart: Dealing with resentment and anger.
Yalden makes no bones about being very open and honest when it comes to his own mental health and is an advocate for speaking out about mental health in general. And in this case, this is for two reasons: 1) He is open about his mental health because it is a part of his career and he is very passionate about it. 2) Talking about it helps him to encourage and support others in their journeys in learning to deal with whatever issues they may have. “You might be having issues with your husband, your wife or significant other,” he said. “You could be having issues with family, or struggling with your issues from the past – maybe you are still upset that your mom and dad tightened your diaper too tight when you were two years old – and you are still having trouble dealing with those issues.” In this episode of The BOOM Podcast, Jeff brings the BOOM to resentment and anger, starting with the BOOM that it’s OK to ask for help. “When you ask for help and you continue to ask the question, the answer should come. But too many people are afraid to admit that they might need help,” he said. This could be asking for help by getting therapy or being prescribed appropriate medication by a physician. “People don’t want to admit that they are getting help dealing with things, which I think is ignorant. You could learn to live with mental health issues and lead a very fulfilling and meaningful life.” When he recorded this podcast episode, Jeff had recently gone through four rough days. “I was feeling resentment and anger in my heart, and that was a feeling that I am not used to, but for whatever reason, we all have these triggers that produce different emotions,” he said. Many of our resentments come from situations in our pasts. “Until a situation is dealt with and has closure, we can’t put it to bed. If we still harbor those feelings from then, that’s not healthy. I want to share with you something that I think is very simple, but it’s also very important: You need to have a resolution for your past. If you don’t have a resolution, then you are going to feel that resentment and anger.” Let it go. Jeff brought up the topic of divorce. If you are no longer in a relationship with someone, you owe nothing to that person. You don’t owe any emotion to that person. “When we carry that emotion forward – when we carry that resentment, it’s because you are dealing with something that is still in the present,” he said. Divorce can be tricky because, even though the old relationship is gone, things like finances, alimony and child support might still be in play – and there is no resolution because a person could be dealing with something that is still in the present. But Yalden said that this is less about them than it is about you. Responsibilities and obligations might factor into this equation and must be dealt with, but some of the resentment can be alleviated by talking a proactive approach to these obligations. “Don’t avoid situations in your life,” he said. “Don’t avoid responsibility and obligations in your life. When your resentment and anger doesn’t have a resolution, that’s because two sides can’t meet or that’s because of something you are dealing with in the present.” Let go of the past and meet your responsibilities today. This is the path to clarity. “So now you have the present that you are dealing with. That’s your obligation. That’s your responsibility. That’s where adulting comes in. You address that issue with [the other party] to find resolution or you need to take responsibility for the situation to take care of it in your heart. You address it. Don’t avoid it and deflect the attention so that it stays off you – that’s when you get into a lot of trouble.” During those recent rough days, Yalden brought the BOOM and scheduled a counseling appointment. “I went and sat down with my counselor for an hour and a half. I had one of the most amazing talks that we have ever had. And I love visiting my counselor because she said, ‘Jeff, you think at such high levels now that this isn’t even counseling anymore.’” He was very proud of that because it meant that he was doing good work and constantly seeking to be a better person. BOOM is a factor and an effect. In this case, the factor was that Yalden took steps to address his anger and resentment in counseling – and the effect was the reward of clarity from having addressed the issue. “That’s where we live the BOOM. It’s one word that can change your life. BOOM is motivation and BOOM is reward. If you have issues in your life that you need to address, don’t be too proud and don’t have too much of an ego that says, ‘Yo, I’m fine. I don’t need to talk to anyone.’  I think that’s an immature response. I think it’s a childish response. I don’t think you are any less of a person because you take medication or you seek help.” To learn more about Jeff Yalden, click HERE. Listen to episode 8 of The BOOM Podcast HERE. GRAB your copy of BOOM! One Word to Instantly Inspire Action and Deliver Rewards and Positively Affect Your Life Every Day. JOIN the BOOM Nation Facebook community and share your BOOM moments.

3 Ways to Accept Others for Who They Are

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Hey friends, Jeff Yalden here. You know, for many years I always thought my way was the right way. Tell me I’m not the only one, right? I had a moment a month ago or so – where I learned to live and let live and that I need to accept things for the way they are rather than the way we think they should be. Likewise, we need to accept others for who they are rather than who we want them to be. Make sense? Summertime brings family and friends together for BBQ’s, parties, and great times. During these times of celebration, we sometimes find ourselves not being fully present. When we are not fully present we don’t allow ourselves to truly be ourselves and love openly and enjoy the time we have together because we get sidetracked in our minds or in reality, because:
  • We spend time worrying about whether we have others’ approval or how we can get it
  • We spend time trying to convince others that our way is right and their way is wrong
  • We get caught up in thinking and behavior patterns of an older version of ourselves
  • We see others according to our labels and judgements of them, rather than who they really are
When we feel any of these patterns bubbling up inside us, we can bring ourselves back to what is truly important, by remembering:
  1. Everyone has their own path that is right and true for them. We all have a way of living and approaching each day that works for us. And it’s natural for us to want others, especially those we love, to follow our path too. It’s important to recognize though, that trying to convince others that our way is best, will usually lead to disappointment. On the contrary, change can surprisingly and naturally occur in others when we stay true to our own path, without trying to change a thing about theirs. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.
  1. We can still show love to others when we disagree with their way. Just because we don’t agree with how someone else lives their life, it doesn’t mean we have to change how we interact with them and whether or not we extend love and care towards them. Rather than being threatened, dismayed or frustrated by our differences, we can celebrate them.
What is it that you can learn from their way? What has it brought to your attention, and how does it illuminate changes you’d love to make within yourself? When we honor others for who they are (and even see parts of ourselves in them), we can love them more. When we accept others, we also become more accepting of ourselves.
  1. Rather than trying to change others, focus on yourself. We empower ourselves when we shift attention away from how others live, and place our awareness on our own lives.
So, let me ask you . . . where, in your own life, could you be more accepting towards yourself? Are you honoring your own path and being true to yourself? Could you let go of wanting to change others, and….could you let go of wanting to change yourself? What would happen if you were at peace with how things are right now? When we take the time to look within, it becomes easier to stay centered in who we are and accept, no matter what the path, that we are all essentially the same. Think for a moment. If you were free of your past, worries, judgements and labels in relation to others, how might your relationships shift? I’d love to hear about your experience of holding this intention, and whether it helps you celebrate with others and your journey with more love, presence, and whole-heartedness.   I’m Jeff Yalden . . . I hope you enjoyed this message. God Bless You and God Bless America.   Jeff Yalden is an award winning mental health speaker and youth motivational speaker.  He’s the author of several books.  You can learn more about Jeff by visiting his website at www.JeffYalden.com.

Mental Health of Teenagers: Danger Signs to Watch Out For

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IMG_6572Adolescence is not easy. It affects not only the teenager but also parents. The teenager undergoes many changes, including sexual, physical, hormonal, emotional, intellectual, and social – the combined pressures of all these changes can often become overwhelming for them and may lead to a number of mental health issues. Mental health problems are a major concern as some can be life threatening. Here are a few guidelines for parents and caretakers to positively identify any mental health issues that their teen may be suffering from.

Mental Health Problems Are Treatable

First of all, it is imperative to understand that mental health conditions can be treated. You can speak to a pediatrician, the local health department, the school’s representatives, and health care professionals regarding the treatment options available to you.  This requires the understanding that mental health isn’t an individual issue, but it’s a family issue and the support of family is strongly encouraged and accepted.  This is important for the teen to open his or her heart to proper treatment and counseling.

Keeping an Eye Open: Danger Signs to Look Out For

Excessive sleeping that is beyond the typical teenage fatigue. This could indicate substance abuse or depression.
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Unexpected decline in their academic performance
  • Loss of appetite and weight loss
  • Significant personality shifts, such as excessive anger and aggressiveness

Key Mental Health Issues for Teens

Some of the key mental health issues that teens need to be monitored for are:
  1. Depression
  2. Eating disorders
  3. Drug abuse
Depression While every human being experiences the ‘blues’, depression is something far more serious and requires immediate attention. Some of the symptoms to watch out for are:
  • Changes in the sleeping patterns
  • Excessive moodiness and/or unexpected weeping
  • Eating habits that cause weight gain/loss
  • Excessive secrecy or paranoia
  • Self-mutilation
  • Excessive isolation
  • Abandonment of social groups and friends
  • Obsessive concerns for body image
Eating disorders Depression can often cause eating disorders. The following conditions may be a result of such disorders:
  • Anorexia – averting food and significant changes in their eating habits.
  • Bulimia – forced vomiting after eating food. You need to be on the lookout for significant weight loss without any changes in their eating habits.
Drug Abuse Peer pressure combined with mental issues can be very forceful in leading adolescents in trying out different drugs, including alcohol. In addition to knowing the physical and behavioral signs of drug abuse, parents and caretakers should also: Stay alert for abuse of prescription drugs: According to AAP, abuse of prescription drugs stands second after alcohol and marijuana abuse. Vicodin and Xanax are the most commonly abused drugs. Understand that over-the-counter (OTC) drugs can also be abused. Teenagers often misuse cough and cold medications that contain sedatives.   If you have any concerns regarding the health of your child – both mental and physical – you should first address your child. Opening the channels of communication is a great way that can pave way for a better understanding between you and them. If this does not work, then it is strongly recommended that professional health care staff be involved along with school management in order to control the situation before it gets any worse.   ** Jeff Yalden is a teen and family communicator and motivator. As a youth motivational speaker, Jeff is highly regarded as the Teen Whisperer when it comes to teens and mental health, suicide and teen depression.  If you are interested in Jeff visiting your high school, middle school, and parent/community, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.  Also, please visit www.NotTheSolution.com for Teen Depression and Teen Suicide if you know of a teen that is hurting.

How to Raise Self-Esteem in 30 Seconds a Day

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beautiful-inside-jeff-yalden-300x300I want to help you raise your self-esteem in only 30 seconds a day. “You’re not good enough!”  Have you ever heard that?  “You’re fat!”  Have you ever heard that?  Have you ever started to believe in what others are saying?  Let me help you believe what you are saying, not what others are saying. Hi!, I am Jeff Yalden and I make a career out of helping teens in middle school and high school find self-esteem and value themselves.  I work with parents and communities to encourage them to understand their teens and inspire teens to understand their parents.  I have an awesome career as a Youth Motivational Speaker. In life, you have to accept that people will tear you down and their words will pierce into your heart.  I know that the speed of a hurt for a teen today is as fast as turning on and off a light bulb.  You don’t have to be left feeling self-doubt, sadness, low self-esteem, and unworthiness as a result of others words in person or what you might hear or read on social media.  These are the words of others.  These don’t have to be the words that you speak to yourself. “Tigers don’t lose sleep to the opinion of sheep and lions don’t turn around to the bark of small dogs.” is what I tell my teens when I speak at middle schools and high schools.  My question is, “Are you a tiger or a sheep?  Are you a lion or a small dog?”  How you feel about yourself is what matters.  How others feel about you or what they might say is not what matters, but we can use their words to empower our self-respect and our belief in ourselves. I am asking for 30 seconds a day and a commitment throughout the day to make changes you feel are necessary.  Let’s do this!  You can do this.  You should do this.

30 Seconds a Day to Self-Esteem

This is a daily assignment and a 24 hour commitment you make with yourself.  You do it first thing in the morning after your morning mirror routine in the bathroom – brushing your teeth, getting your hair did by self, and making sure you look good in those expensive clothes you want to wear because you’re thinking about acceptance of others. Listen, my first suggestion is this: As you look in the mirror are you more concerned about how you look because others will judge you or are you more concerned about who you are?  How you look is what others see.  Who you are is what you see.  How you look is cause for being judged by others.  Regardless, people will judge you and you have to accept that.  Who you are is the choice you make for yourself and nobody can take that away from you.  You choose you and when you pay attention to who you are, how you look will take care of itself. I ask this question in every speaking engagement and the response will astound you.  “Are you as beautiful on the inside as I see you on the outside?”, is the question I ask.  Everyone that is being honest with me and themselves says, “No.” or “I don’t know.” or, they look at me with a stare and they’re embarrassed to answer.  Every middle school assembly and high school assembly, every school assembly or conference I speak at, I ask this question and always get the same response.  Why?  Because when we are young we want to be accepted more than we want to accept ourselves.  We all live with a mask trying to be who others want us to be. Look in the mirror and start to be comfortable with who you are.  Then, how you look will take care of itself.

STEP 1 – Self Esteem

So, in your daily routine I want you to address yourself in the mirror after you’ve brushed your teeth and checked how you look – hair and clothes.  Empty handed and a couple of deep breaths, I want you to look into your eyes and say this:

“I am smart.  I am strong.  I am pretty/handsome (if you’re a guy).  I can do anything I put my mind to.”

Say it again . . . .

“I am smart.  I am strong.  I am pretty/handsome (if you’re a guy).  I can do anything I put my mind to.”

You have to look at yourself and believe it.  You can’t just say it and go through the motions of speaking words.  You have to believe the words you speak.  You are all alone.  I need you to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you need to say.  Be strong and positive.  At first, this will be hard, but keep on doing it.

STEP 2 – Answer the Questions

After you’ve said, “I am smart.  I am strong.  I am pretty/handsome (if you’re a guy).  I can do anything I put my mind to.”, I want you to look at yourself and ask if what people might be saying is true.

For example:

If someone says you dress funny.  Can that be true?  Do you dress differently than others?  Does it cause unwanted attention?  How about someone says you’re fat.  Are you fat?  Can you lose weight?  Are you unhealthy?  Do you have unhealthy habits?

What else are people saying?  Do they make fun of you because of your grades?  Could it be true that you don’t apply yourself, do your homework, come to school late or don’t care?

You get the point here, right?

STEP 3 – Choose To Change

You spent a few seconds looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, “I am smart.  I am strong.  I am pretty/handsome (if you’re a guy).  I can do anything I put my mind to.”

You’ve then addressed some negative things that people might say to you and you’ve found somethings to be true.  Now you choose to make changes in your behavior.

Behavioral Change means taking Action.  Taking Action requires Motivation.  Motivation and Action means RESULTS which means CHANGES because of your Behavior!

You can do this.

Step 4 – Take Action!

You write down some truths of what others might say.  Only is you can agree with the facts and truths of what is said.  Don’t change for anyone.  Choose to change for yourself.  Now you’ve addressed the truths and you choose to take action.

You’ve addressed yourself in the mirror.

You’ve made positive comments and self talk.  You believe yourself.

You’ve asked the questions you’ve needed to ask.  You’ve addressed the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.

Now you are choosing to take action and committing to yourself to make changes for you only.

Throughout the day, you work on what needs to be addressed.

Examples:

  • Weight – Choose healthy behaviors.  Exercise.  Log your food intake in MyFitnessPal or write it down.  Speak to a nutritionist.  Ask questions about protein, sugars, carbs, fat, exercise, and health.  Choose to change.
  • Appearance – Are you wearing glasses that are out of date?  Are you wearing clothes too small or too big?  What is it about your appearance?  Your hair?  Your hygiene?  What is it?  Choose to address these issues one at a time.  Get new clothes.  Wash and fold your clothes.  Change how you wear your hair?  Bathe regularly (That’s a great idea!)  Remember to do this for yourself.
  • Choices – Sometimes we act out to be accepted.  We want to get a laugh from others.  Choose to live in the present and choose your words and actions carefully.  Don’t act out for attention.  Think before you speak.  Think before you do something.  Think!  TAKE TIME TO THINK is a motto I use everyday.
  In short, my message is quite simple.  You get up and take care of your hygiene and prepare for the day.  This process you are going to add 30 Seconds of Self Talk in a positive frame.  You’ll also address what others might say.  Write it down.  Address it everyday and take positive action towards your own self respect. Like yourself.  Love yourself.  Being different is ok.  You don’t have to be “Normal” to fit it.  You have to like yourself and accept yourself to live a fulfilling life that has fulfillment, meaning, and a life that is rewarding. I hope you choose to do this today and start a new daily routine. * Jeff Yalden is a top youth motivational speaker and teen suicide prevention specialist in education.  Jeff works with middle schools, high schools, educators, teachers, and communities addressing teen issues and teen life.  For more information about Jeff Yalden, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.  

Suicide: Tips for Coping With The Loss of a Loved One

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Death by suicide not only affects the person who died, but also others – “Suicide Survivors” – who loved and cared deeply about the person. If you are a student survivor, this experience may be one of the most challenging experiences that you’ve ever faced. While there is no easy way to grieve, it is often helpful to understand what you might experience through the grieving process.

Understanding Grief

The shock and grief that consumes you after you lose someone to suicide is overwhelming. It can feel like you have fallen into a deep hole and will never be able to get out. These are natural feelings which will likely change as you move through the grieving process. No two people experience loss in the same way. Some may experience physical symptoms such as headaches or changes in appetite and/or sleeping patterns. A person in grief may also experience some or all of the following feelings:
  • SHOCK: “I feel numb.” Feelings of being dazed or detached are a common response to trauma. Shock can protect the mind from becoming completely overwhelmed, allowing the person to function.
  • DENIAL: “I feel fine.” Sometimes people can consciously or unconsciously refuse to accept the facts and information about another’s death. This process can be even more challenging when there is little information or explanation about a loved one’s suicide. Eventually, as you gather information and accept that you may not be able to know everything, you can begin to process the reality of this tragic event and all the emotions that come with it. In time, however, our minds become more able to analyze the tragic event, and this allows the denial to give way to less troubling emotions.
  • GUILT: “I think it was my fault.” Feelings of guilt following a suicide are very common. Guilt comes from the mistaken belief that we should have, or could have, prevented the death from happening. Guilt can also arise if there are un-reconciled issues with the deceased or regret about things said or not said. In truth, no person can predict the future, nor can they know all the reasons for another person’s actions. It is human nature to blame oneself when experiencing a loss, rather than accepting the truth that some things were out of our control.
  • SADNESS: “Why bother with anything?” Once the initial reactions to the death by suicide have lessened in intensity, feelings of sadness and depression can move to the forefront. These feelings can be present for some time and can, at times, be triggered by memories and reminders of the loved one who was lost. Feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, and self-pity are all common when dealing with a loss of a loved one. Typically, you gradually learn to accept the loss and embrace both your happy and sad memories.
  • ANGER: “How could they do this to me?” Feelings of anger towards the person you have lost can arise. Many who mourn feel a sense of abandonment. Others feel anger towards a real or perceived culprit. These feelings can be complex and distressing when they are directed at the person who died. It is important to know that it is possible to both be angry with someone, and to still hold them dear in your heart. Sometimes anger is needed before you can accept the reality of the loss.
  • ACCEPTANCE: “I can miss them and still continue living.” The ultimate goal of healing is to accept the tragic event as something that could not have been prevented and cannot be changed. Acceptance is not the same as forgetting. Instead, acceptance is learning to live again and to be able to reopen your heart, while still remembering the person who has passed away.

What Makes Suicide Different

Losing a friend or loved one is never easy. However, when you lose someone to suicide, it can feel different from other types of loss. Several circumstances can make death by suicide different, making the healing process more challenging. STIGMA AND ISOLATION: Talking about suicide can be difficult for those who have experienced the loss. Different cultures view suicide in different ways, and sometimes discussing it can be a challenge. This can also be made more difficult when the act of suicide conflicts with religious views. Suicide can be isolating as communities of friends each struggle differently to make sense of the loss they all experienced. Finding the right people in your support network who are able to help you experience your loss is important. Sometimes, this may mean seeking professional help in order to help you cope with your loss. In those situations it is recommended that you contact a counselor, mental health professional, or find a trusted therapist in the community. MIXED EMOTIONS: After a death by illness or natural causes, the bereaved’ s feelings may be less complicated than when the death is by suicide. When a death is by suicide, you might both mourn the person’s passing while also hold intense feelings about the circumstances of their death. Feelings such as anger, abandonment, and rejection can all occur after a suicide as well as positive feelings about the deceased. Sorting through all of these diverse feelings can make the healing process more challenging. NEEDING TO UNDERSTAND WHY: Understanding the circumstances of a death by suicide can sometimes lead us to asking “Why?” You may second guess actions, wish that you had noticed signs earlier, or wonder how you could have acted differently. This need to understand “why” may be a difficult path, as the circumstances surrounding the loved one’s death could be unclear or not easily known. Some questions may never be answered, while you may find other answers that make sense. Sometimes you will find answers to your questions, while other times, you must learn to accept the fact that there are some things no one can know. RISK FOR SURVIVORS: People who have recently experienced a loss by suicide are at increased risk for having suicidal thoughts themselves. After experiencing the loss of a loved one, it’s not uncommon to wish you were dead or to feel like the pain is unbearable. Remember that having suicidal thoughts does not mean that you will act on them. These feelings and thoughts will likely decrease over time, but if you find them too intense, or if you’re considering putting your thoughts into action, seek support from a mental health professional, counselor, trusted adult, or call 911 immediately.  The Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief and Loss

You will never “get over” the loss you’ve experienced, but you can “get through” it. You have been changed by this loss, but you can learn how to survive, even grow, from this challenge. The following are suggestions for healing in healthy ways: SEEK SUPPORT: It’s very important to find people in your life who are good listeners, so you can turn to someone when you need extra support. You may find it helpful to talk to a friend, family member, mental health professional or spiritual advisor. Some find joining a support group helpful since each person will be able to relate in different ways to your experience.  Whatever support looks like for you, it’s important to reach out for help when you feel like you need it. BE PATIENT: Just as you may be feeling a range of emotions, people around you may also be sorting through their feelings. Be patient with yourself and others: those who are supportive of you as well as those who do not seem to understand. Limit your contact with those who tell you how to feel and what to think. Take time to heal. Set limits for yourself, and give yourself permission to say “no” to things that may come your way. It’s difficult to make decisions when you’re feeling overwhelmed; you may decide it’s best to put off important decisions until you feel ready to make them. STAY PRESENT: Take each moment as it comes. That way, you can better accept whatever you’re feeling and be able to respond in the way that is most helpful to you. Maybe you would benefit from calling your best friend. Maybe journaling would help you let go of your thoughts for now. Learning mindfulness or relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help you stay present and experience your emotions without feeling overwhelmed. Your local community may have a Mindfulness Training Program where you can learn to be present and meditate. EXPRESS YOURSELF: You can choose to tell others how you’re feeling or acknowledge your feelings privately. If you don’t feel like talking, you can set aside time each day to grieve. Just make sure you leave enough time to do something pleasantly distracting before bed. Either way, acknowledging your experiences helps. ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE FUN: Social events or pleasant activities can provide relaxation and distraction. Laughter heals, and it’s also OK if you cry.  Get back to things you enjoyed and make it a priority. ESTABLISH ROUTINE: Even getting dressed may seem challenging, but it’s important to reestablish routine as soon as you can. Building in some structure can help you manage your grief and provide a sense of normalcy and hope. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Eat as well as you can, exercise when you can, and avoid alcohol and other drugs that will make it harder for you to work through your feelings. ** Jeff Yalden is a suicide prevention specialist who works with education, high schools, middle schools, parents, and communities to deal with a loss and the grieving process.  For more information on Jeff and his inspirational motivational school assemblies, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.

Parenting – Unconditional Love & Support

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For 23 years, I have worked with teens and parents in multiple capacities – speaking engagements, television, life coaching, intervention, and coaching.  It’s been an honor and a privilege to have found myself in this field of work. Over the past 10 days, I have had the opportunity to sit back and read the sad and unfortunate circumstances in regards to the loss of Leelah Alcorn, the transgender from Ohio that committed suicide.  I sit back and reflect as a parent and think who am I to judge.  We all have opinions. I certainly am not and haven’t been a perfect parent or role model.  I’ve made my mistakes and have been judged.  I’ve had my successes and been applauded.  As I age, I continually learn so much and look back and learn from the lessons I’ve lived knowing what I did wrong and how I could have done better.  Being healthy and balanced in my heart and head has been a journey with counseling and my relationship with God.  Everyday, I try and be a man that lives a positive life and supports and loves unconditionally my inner circle of people and my family.  What exactly does that mean though?  Through anything will I love unconditionally?  Through anything will I support unconditionally?  My opinion depends on the circumstances and personally, I have dealt with many circumstances to have learned from and to where I now teach from.  Life’s lessons have certainly made me who I am and who I am today is a much better communicator and motivator as a result of experience and age.  I think this is the case for us all. When I look at the situation from Leelah Alcorn and I think, “What if that were my child?”  First, I want to hope that I would have been closer to “her”, and to know that my son, “Joshua”, that I brought into the world was having emotional issues that I needed to understand.  Then, regardless of how I felt or how I thought, I wanted to do what is right as a parent and what is right and best for my child.  In this circumstance, I would unconditionally love and support my child, “Leelah”, and embrace her.  No question!  When it comes to sexuality, my child being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, this is my child and I will love and support my child.  I would act from my heart even if this challenged my faith. Where does that love and support change?  What if my child was addicted to meth, heroine, crack-cocaine, prescription drugs, or alcohol?  How would I respond then?  Completely different situation because now I am dealing with an addiction that is different than an emotion.  Having dealt with addiction and seen it firsthand, I have come to learn that to enable a behavior is to hurt the person more than you could be helping the person.  I am not one to enable anyone.  Personally, I think we’ve become a society that is failing our children because we are trying to hard to protect them from failure and mistakes.  We can’t shelter our children from the real world.  I feel that we as parents, teachers, coaches, and counselors it is our responsibility to teach our youth and children about personal responsibility and accountability.  Teach them that life isn’t easy.  Life is hard.  Life isn’t fair.  Life will never be fair.  Tough love?  Perhaps!  Put the responsibility where it belongs.  This doesn’t change the fact that I love my child unconditionally, it just changes that I am not going to support the behavior which is a result of the addiction.  This is choices versus consequences. If my child chooses to get help, I am supportive and there through the process every step of the way.  If the addiction is stronger than the desire and my child isn’t getting help and tearing apart the family – stealing, fighting, disrespecting, etc. I will not tolerate that and I will put boundaries on the relationship.  I will let my child hit rock bottom.  You can’t over parent addiction.  Addiction needs the help of professionals and in my opinion it needs to be dealt with in residential care.  I am not supporting the behavior, but this doesn’t change my love which still is unconditional. The point I am trying to make is that as parents we need to look at every situation differently and deal with the situation at hand.  Many families have issues within the walls of their home.  Don’t let your neighbors influence your parenting.  Don’t try and be the almighty perfect family because you’re living a life protected by a facade.  You brought your children in the world and society has an influence on them – the music, media, marketing.  Nature verse nurture, too.  Your faith has an influence on your morals and values, but is that more important that the circumstances at hand?  Sometimes we need to change and pray about it, but what is important here is that our child knows we unconditionally love them no matter what.  The support may never be understood, but that is parenting.  Parenting everyday is never understood. In the case of Leelah Alcorn, I think the demise of her death is very sad and didn’t need to happen.  She didn’t feel love nor she didn’t feel support.  That is sad.  She left saying, “Let my death mean something!”  I want to honor that.  What does her death mean to you as a parent in how you love and support your child?  Whether it is grades, sports, friends, sexuality, drugs, or anything else.  How are you going to show your child your support and love?  How are you going to parent and teach?  What message do you want your child to get?  Parenting is about being a part of your children’s lives and knowing who they are and being there for them in the good times and the bad times.  It’s being their inspiration and the disciplinarian.  It’s listening and offering advice and support.  It’s correcting actions and behaviors, too.  Parenting isn’t easy.  Nobody every said it was.  You will fail and cry, because you did things wrong.  You will laugh and applaud, because you did things right, too.  To judge yourself daily as a parent is to be expecting too much of yourself and trying to be the “Perfect” parent.  You are a family and that is what is most important. In the end, I want my children to know I love them and I’ll support them.  I may not support their choices and decisions, but I will listen.  They need to know that I will give tough love when I have to.  I will not enable them because enabling is setting up our youth, whether our children, our students, our athletes, whomever, for failure and a life of hurt.  I want to be a role model and let my actions speak louder than my parenting.  I want them to be happy, but what does happy really mean?  I want them to be good and to do what is right, but who is to say, “What is really right?”  I hope in the end, my children grow up and become young people that that live a life of meaning, live a life of fulfillment, and are rewarded for who they are, how they live, and in the manner in which they’ve lived – as a result of what I may have taught them. Just my thoughts . . .   Who is Jeff Yalden Jeff Yalden is a Teen and Family Communicator.  A Suicide Prevention Specialist and a Teen Motivational Speaker.  He is the author of “Your Life Matters.”  Jeff is the Host of “The Jeff Yalden Show”, on WMRC 1490 Radio and his Podcast for teens and parents can be found at www.JeffYalden.com/itunes.  Follow Jeff on Social Media @JeffYalden and visit his website at www.JeffYalden.com.  

My Death Needs To Mean Something

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“My Death Needs to Mean Something!” – Leelah Alcorn Five Facts You Need to Know – Leelah Alcorn leelah-alcorn-tumblr   Suicide is never the answer! Her message could have been heard louder and longer had she been supported by her family with unconditional love and support. We could have used her voice, not her death by suicide. My name is Jeff Yalden. I am a Suicide Prevention Trainer and Celebrity Teen & Family Life Coach having worked with families and teens for 23 years. Teen Suicide touches my heart because I was there at 16 years old and 21 years old.   Today, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar Type 2 and PTSD. This is my work and my passion. The point I want to make in this blog is about unconditional love and support in regards to Leelah and her needs not being met.  I understand unconditional love.  I also understand supporting your child under different circumstances.  This particular issue is about how I feel when your child has emotional issues, is gay or lesbian, bisexual or transgender.  In my professional opinion, the parents should have been open and understanding where their daughter needed their support and didn’t get it.  Leelah needed the love and affection from her parents and family and if her parents and family chose their faith and their religious views over the needs of their daughter then they failed their daughter.  That is the bottom line.  I am saying “If”, because I don’t want to speculate any further about conversations within their walls of their home.  In the end, this is very sad and unfortunate. Being a teenager is hard enough. Growing up in today’s world where we are on and worried about being judged by our peers is hard enough. Having to be accepted and fit in is an everyday challenge. Then, having to grow up and dealing with everyday teenager stuff and NOT having the support of our family is unfathomable and ultimately is the cause of Leelah’s decision to end her life.  Her cries for help weren’t answered and they weren’t taken seriously.  Read her posts . . . (Here).  This is what Leelah says.  In regards to her family all I am reading is that they are still referring to their daughter as “He”, “Him”, and I don’t think they are respecting her wishes. Read the latest article . . . (Here) – It’s more disturbing and speaks loudly about the challenges she faced.  Again, I don’t know what the family knew or how deep her pain and needs for love and acceptance were. She was only 17 years old. Born Joshua Alcorn, a boy and at the age of four, he felt he was a girl trapped in a boy’s body. Her cries for help weren’t supported by her devout Christian parents who forced her to go to conversion therapy, which seeks to change sexual orientation through counseling. This practice has been banned in two states on grounds it is medically unfounded and puts children in danger. The argument on the internet now is whether or not the parents should be help responsible (Dan Savage) and charged.  Could this suicide have been prevented if the parents were more open-minded?  Sure, I think so!  The message is greater than what will happen to the parents.  The message needs to be heard by all parents and teens suffering emotionally and spiritually.  Listen to your childs needs and desires.  Open your heart to understanding that today’s teens and youth are different then when we as parents were growing up.  Listen to them and understand them.  Support them and embrace them in their journey. (** Again, I am referring to this particular issue.  Whereas, if your child is struggling with addiction to drugs or alcohol then I have a whole different take and belief as to the role of a parent and supporting their child.  You can love them unconditionally, but to support them is going to be different.  I am more tough love in this case.  Another blog post about the difference in circumstances and the role of a parent in supporting and unconditionally loving their children.) First and foremost, there is difference between unconditionally loving and supporting your child. To unconditionally love your child, but not support your child is not unconditionally loving your child. It is loving your child conditionally. To love your child unconditionally is to love and support your child, children, spouse, partner, or friend(s) for the person they are or choose to be.  Think of it as how your dog loves you.  Your dog doesn’t judge you.  Your dog is always waiting to greet you.  Your dog loves you more than your dog loves itself.  You might not agree with the sexual orientation of your child or how they dress, but you support them unconditionally and lovingly accept them (period!)   In my opinion, the parents didn’t do this and that is where I think they failed their daughter leading to her suicide. In Leelah’s case, she was convinced for many years she was a girl living in a boy’s body.  That should have been addressed – Meet her needs first before getting her to understand the families morals and values.  As Dr. Stephen Covey says in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
leelah-joshua-alcorn-suicide-note-1-copy

Suicide Note left by Leelah Alcorn

I don’t feel that scorning the parents is the answer. What does that do now? The parents are grieving and have to live with this the rest of their lives. Suicide may have freed Leelah from the pain, but now her pain is transferred to her parents and they have to live with their inner conscience of what they did right or did wrong as parents.  They will pray and ask God for forgiveness as we should forgive them as quickly as society is judging them right now.  This is a lesson for all parents in raising their children.  Listen to the cries of your children.  If you are not, you are failing your children. The parents wanted Leelah to be the Joshua they named him at birth. They wanted their child to be the perfect straight Christian little boy they had hoped he’d be. Well, at age four Leelah was conflicted. She was a girl living in a boy’s body, she says. Why wasn’t her feelings and emotions respected? Why wasn’t this supported through counseling and help? Conversion therapy isn’t the answer to a young lady at in her preteen years to 17 years old. The parents failed by not listening to the cries of their daughter. Parents fail their children everyday by not listening to the cries of their children. Using death to send a message is never the answer. The message is heard for a few weeks, but then life resumes and suddenly we will speak less and less about transgender and the loss of Leelah. There is help and there is hope.  Suicide is preventable and doesn’t ever need to be the final decision.  It takes courage and time. Things change over time. Everything changes over time – depression, people, things, places, life.  Leelah needed love and support.  She needed to be heard and not judged.  Leelah needed acceptance and understanding, she needed love and support.  She needed this from her family.  Millions of teenagers struggle everyday in their walk through life with who they are and who they’re becoming.  Society doesn’t make it easy for anyone.  Everything is watched and talked about.  Social media puts people on 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. In short, this suicide could have been prevented if:
  1. The parents were open to who their daughter was and respected her emotions and feelings
  2. Her parents supported her and learned more about why she felt this way
  3. Leelah chose to get help with her own emotions and feelings by asking to see a professional therapist
  4. The family chose to see a therapist together
  5. Society wasn’t so judgemental
  6. People would stop thinking it’s their way or no way
  7. People would become more open-minded and accepting
  8. We would judge less and forgive more
  9. The right people had the courage to help Leelah speak to the right (professional) people
  10. She felt loved and not judged
  Where does God and our faith come in to this? Pope Francis has started to ease up on the Bible’s teachings.  Here is just one article about Pope Francis . . .  (Read).  Many of people in the Churches pulpit are gay or lesbian and they’ve become accepted.  So, who am I to judge?  In the end, I personally have to answer to God when He calls my name. You are going to judge me here.  I know and that is fine.  I accept it. I work with youth and families.  I stand strong on who I am as a man and my morals and values.  I go to Church, I pray, and I am learning to read the bible.  This is what I do and I don’t expect my neighbor to do the same, but I still love and respect my neighbor for who they are. My family has their beliefs and they all walk in their faith at their pace.  Whom am I to change that?  I can only inspire and influence by my actions and how I live.  Understand, I am not perfect.  Who is? When it comes to working with youth, teens, education, and families I have a completely different take on faith, religion, and spirituality.  I try and teach young people to have courage through life’s battles and self respect to make good choices.  My audience is usually teens searching for answers to life’s questions.  I meet my audience at their level and where they are in life.  I don’t expect my 16 year old daughter to love Jesus as I do. I can encourage the House of God, the Bible, and Prayer, but at 16 years old I know hormones and changes are more powerful than the mind wanting to know Jesus.  You can disagree all you want, but I will not challenge you on how you raise your children.  What works for you in your house is your business.  What works for me within my four walls works for me and I am constantly open to learn and change. In time, I know my influence and how I live my life will speak volumes.  The message will be received when the student is ready.  Like leading a horse to water, right? To my kids, I will support them unconditionally. Circumstances will certainly play a role in how I support them and the support I show.  Some things are completely unacceptable and my support will be “TOUGH LOVE.”  I’ve been there and I’ll do it again.  My children and your children may not understand “Tough Love”, but I promise, someday they will and they will “Thank You” for it. Our children make choices in life.  This is the experience and the lessons they learn as they grow up.  Personally, I want them to have a passion and enthusiasm everyday and to live life with morals and values as I try and teach them. I have my set of morals and values and my living them I hope will influence them as they figure out their own.  I want them to do what is right.  I will show them what is right.  What is right for me doesn’t always make sense to a teen all the time.  They don’t understand life yet. They’re figuring it out and I want to to figure it out through successes and failures, good times and bad times.  My parents supported me and I know many times they were left shaking their heads.  They loved me through tough times and supported me through many of the tough times, but they also left me to figure it out because they didn’t support a decision I was making.  They gave me tough love at times and I am grateful they did. In the end, Leelah chose to end her life.  This is what I am saddened about.  It doesn’t ever have to end like this for anyone. There is help and people should have been more open to encouraging the help, rather than judging her for who she felt she was.  Many people are at fault for the end result.  Not just the parents. The ultimate responsibility lies on Leelah because she knew what she was doing. She could have gotten help rather than taking the cowardly way out leaving us all to pick up the pieces. RIP Leelah! The Video: “My Death Needs to Mean Something!” IMG_6572Who is Jeff Yalden? Jeff Yalden is a Teen Suicide Prevention Trainer and Expert.  For 23 years, Jeff has worked with teens and parents across the globe.  As a Youth Motivational Speaker, Jeff specializes in high school assemblies, parent and community programs teaching teens about life and supporting parents in their understanding of today’s teens.  Please visit Jeff Yalden at www.JeffYalden.com for more information.  Also, follow Jeff on Social Media – @JeffYalden Mental Health Professionals, Schools, Parents, and Communities – Watch Jeff’s Message – 4 Tips To Prevent Teen Suicide  

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