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The Speed of Hurt

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Teens experience pain as fast as the flip of a switch – and the speed of hurt hits them as swiftly as turning on a light.

Often, terrible situations can lead to teen suicide – but we need to be vigilant when observing changes – even small changes – in the behavior of the young people in our circles. Sometimes, events that an adult might brush off as part of the process of daily life might be viewed as catastrophic by a teen – simply because they do not yet have the coping skills in place to deal with them.

The inability to cope with life’s challenges can be a major stumbling block for today’s youth – particularly because they do not yet possess the life skills necessary to deal with the obstacles and challenges they might face.

As a society, we have hit critical mass – and we need to start talking about it. We need to get comfortable being uncomfortable and give voice to the issues facing us; teen suicide, the opiate crisis and substance abuse in general, including alcohol.

The above issues factor into what is quickly becoming the biggest public health crisis of our time. While many factors contribute to teen suicide, often the underlying issue is mental illness.

It is rare that only a single event leads to suicide – bullying or cyberbullying, for instance. But a single event can be the final straw.

As a parent, teacher, or coach, be sure to focus on building strong coping and problem-solving skills in your young people. Nurture a healthy self-esteem, and they will flourish.

If your children value themselves from a place of certainty, they will be much less likely to allow others to have power over them, including bullies.

Life is not a race. It’s about being patient in the process.

Slow down. Breathe.

Perfection doesn’t exist, but I’d still like to think I can make a perfect rack of ribs.

NOTE: The above content is Part Seven in a series based on Jeff’s new book, Teen Suicide: The “Why” Behind America’s Suicide Epidemic. Click on link to order.

CLICK HERE for Jeff’s online suicide prevention course.

Inspiring Conversations: Ep.1 – Bobby Petrocelli

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You Matter . . . IT Doesn’t

I got on ZOOM about five minutes before our time of 12:00pm, April 1, 2020. No, this is not an April Fools’ Day joke. By the way, I don’t like April Fools’ jokes. I was excited to speak with fellow author, speaker and educator Bobby Petrocelli. I asked him to tell me a couple of things on his heart that he might want to talk about that day.

Bobby Petrocelli is passionate and wise, and I knew I’d have questions.

Right away, Bobby mentioned his book, YOU MATTER . . . IT DOESN’T. He told me he wanted to talk about the WHY behind the IT. I knew where he was going with this because it’s right up my alley. I composed myself and started with a prayer…

A Talk Show is BORN!

During my interview with Petrocelli, it dawned on me that I needed to do a YouTube channel dedicated to inspiring conversations, and here we are. Just like that, the show is created. Now I just need to figure out how to make a YouTube talk show.

This is a good time to figure it out, because nothing much is happening, and I have time. The COVID-19 pandemic has us all struggling with social isolation. Schools are closed, many people are out of work and obviously my speaking schedule is on hold.

It’s during times like this where you have time to create new ideas that might take off. We can choose victim or victor, right? I love Bobby Petrocelli. He’s a great man and an amazing speaker. We’ve known each other for many years.  When I get a chance to interview him, I get excited. He’s inspiring and knowledgeable. He’s a man of God and cares about youth and families. He cares about people.

Find out more about Bobby HERE.

IT HAPPENED . . .

What is IT?

The IT represents the result of something. Bobby talked about his wife being killed by a drunk driver when he was 24 years old. The IT is his wife was killed by a drunk driver. The WHY is what we don’t often talk about. Among other things, the IT leaves us angry, hurt, resentful, and broken. We end up going through life carrying this feeling because we don’t move past IT.

WHY did IT Happen?

The WHY is behind the IT and gives us the answers we are looking for so we can move forward and cope with whatever happened. The WHY takes us on a journey to understand what needs to be understood. If we don’t ask questions, we are never healed through whatever pain we are going through. IT happened and we can’t change it, but we can change how we grow, cope, and move forward in a healthy way. For Bobby, he was prepared as much as anyone can prepare for something tragic like this. He said, “If we don’t ask the WHY then IT will dominate your life,” and he wasn’t going to let that happen. Bobby is a man of faith – a strong man of God. Right away he right away talked about forgiveness…

He didn’t say that he condones wrongdoing.

Forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. He knew that he had to forgive this man who was two times the legal limit, driving while intoxicated when his wife was killed. Forgiveness was his first step in recovery. Amazing! He was 24 years old and he knew he had to forgive, when most people would have been angry at the world.

Bobby wasn’t.

I asked him about this.

“I had been prepared for something like this,” he said.  I’m not exactly sure what Bobby meant, because who can prepare for something so tragic – but I knew it was his faith in God. It was also his ability to have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset – even at 24. I’m telling you; Bobby Petrocelli is an inspirational man.

Is What You’re Being Asked to do IMPOSSIBLE?

The above question is something Bobby asks his audiences.

“You have it, whatever it is, so let’s build on it,” he said.

Bobby talked about how we have what it takes so let’s learn. Let’s be open to learning and engage in the process every day. I was thinking, don’t be the victim, be the victor. We have a lot in common, but he’s so much better at speaking about it.

You’re never asked to do anything impossible. You can choose to walk away, or you can choose to saddle up and figure it out.

Petrocelli: 10 Seconds

IT happened, but Bobby was not going to fold.

10 Seconds got him through this.

“It’s not one day at a time, like so many people say. For me, I couldn’t think of the next five minutes. I had to break it down to 10 Seconds. For me it was 10 Seconds at a time.”

I was at my worst at 16 and again at 22. I can still remember those days.

At 16, I wasn’t listening to anyone. I had a fixed mindset. At 22, I knew a little better and was very close to my grandparents. My grandmother used to say to me, “Jeff, take it one meal at a time. After dinner, go to bed, and just wake up for breakfast.”

That was my 10 Seconds at a time. The thing here that I want to make clear is that it’s not that things get better with time, but it’s what you do with that time where things get better. Sometimes, it’s just putting space between a thought and an action. It’s being grounded, present in the moment, breathing and just knowing that it will be okay.

Success: Patterns, Habits, and Routines

Nobody is better than anyone else, but some people have a routine and they’re driven. They wake up on time because they go to bed at a set time. They don’t waste hours on their smartphones, doing things that don’t matter. Successful people have a purpose. Their IT is their success. They’ve created patterns, habits and a routine to accomplish the goals they’ve set for themselves.

What is the WHY? That differs from person to person, but one thing is certain: Everyone has been knocked down in life. You have a choice at this point. You can stay knocked down or you can get back up.

Bobby got back up. He knew he needed some things in his life to be right in order for him to cope through his loss.

You are a result of your patterns, habits and routines – your attitude, friends, and commitment to a GROWTH MINDSET.

Your Friends are The ROOTS, LEAVES, or the BRANCHES

I got chills when Bobby started talking about Tyler Perry’s Madea – Let Them Go.

I love this skit and it is so right. Your friends are either the roots, the leaves, or the branches. Watch the video and understand this analogy. So true.

What Works For You

The first thing to do is to engage in the process. Choose a growth mindset. Don’t be a victim. Go from IT happened to understanding WHY it happened. Then, it’s HOW CAN I . . .? How can I be better at this or that? What can I do to be can I be a better person? How can I move forward with love, compassion, forgiveness, and be healthier? It’s about being present in moments. Now. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Not even in five minutes, but here and now.  Within these moments, what productive thing are you doing that works best for you?

Bobby puts it this way: “Is what I am doing making me better or hurting me?”

For Petrocelli, that question made all the difference, and helped him toward a healthy outcome. it was the moments where he would ask if what he was doing was helping or hurting him towards a healthy outcome. He set a growth mindset.

Here are the very simple and true bullets I took from this part of my conversation with Petrocelli:

  • Be still
  • You’re One of a Kind
  • Don’t Rob Yourself
  • Find Those Roots on a Tree as a Friends

Very simple and true.

Be Still

Be present and know that in stillness great things will happen.

You’re One of a Kind

Self-Esteem. Stop focusing on being beautiful on the outside and look within yourself and know you are one of a kind. There is nothing or nobody else like you.

Don’t Rob Yourself

You have a gift and you need to use it. Don’t let what is so special about you be robbed because you’re not seeing what is special. Self-esteem again. Know you are capable and beautiful and have a growth mindset.

Find the ROOTS on a TREE as your Friends

You want friends that aren’t there for a season. You want friends in your life that are invested. Surround yourself with people who are there to plant seeds rather than pick the fruit. Let them go if they’re not in your life for the right reasons.

Remember: YOU MATTER . . . IT DOESN’T.

There is a WHY to why we are broken, rejected, abandoned, or hurt. Don’t choose to carry this pain with you through life. Develop a growth mindset. Figure out the WHY and ask the HOW questions.

Remember, forgiveness is for you. It’s not for them.

Choose love. Choose you. Choose Growth.

Check out Bobby Petrocelli at www.10Seconds.org. As always, I am at www.JeffYalden.com.

Suicide: Tips for Coping With The Loss of a Loved One

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Death by suicide not only affects the person who died, but also others – “Suicide Survivors” – who loved and cared deeply about the person. If you are a student survivor, this experience may be one of the most challenging experiences that you’ve ever faced. While there is no easy way to grieve, it is often helpful to understand what you might experience through the grieving process.

Understanding Grief

The shock and grief that consumes you after you lose someone to suicide is overwhelming. It can feel like you have fallen into a deep hole and will never be able to get out. These are natural feelings which will likely change as you move through the grieving process. No two people experience loss in the same way. Some may experience physical symptoms such as headaches or changes in appetite and/or sleeping patterns. A person in grief may also experience some or all of the following feelings:
  • SHOCK: “I feel numb.” Feelings of being dazed or detached are a common response to trauma. Shock can protect the mind from becoming completely overwhelmed, allowing the person to function.
  • DENIAL: “I feel fine.” Sometimes people can consciously or unconsciously refuse to accept the facts and information about another’s death. This process can be even more challenging when there is little information or explanation about a loved one’s suicide. Eventually, as you gather information and accept that you may not be able to know everything, you can begin to process the reality of this tragic event and all the emotions that come with it. In time, however, our minds become more able to analyze the tragic event, and this allows the denial to give way to less troubling emotions.
  • GUILT: “I think it was my fault.” Feelings of guilt following a suicide are very common. Guilt comes from the mistaken belief that we should have, or could have, prevented the death from happening. Guilt can also arise if there are un-reconciled issues with the deceased or regret about things said or not said. In truth, no person can predict the future, nor can they know all the reasons for another person’s actions. It is human nature to blame oneself when experiencing a loss, rather than accepting the truth that some things were out of our control.
  • SADNESS: “Why bother with anything?” Once the initial reactions to the death by suicide have lessened in intensity, feelings of sadness and depression can move to the forefront. These feelings can be present for some time and can, at times, be triggered by memories and reminders of the loved one who was lost. Feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, and self-pity are all common when dealing with a loss of a loved one. Typically, you gradually learn to accept the loss and embrace both your happy and sad memories.
  • ANGER: “How could they do this to me?” Feelings of anger towards the person you have lost can arise. Many who mourn feel a sense of abandonment. Others feel anger towards a real or perceived culprit. These feelings can be complex and distressing when they are directed at the person who died. It is important to know that it is possible to both be angry with someone, and to still hold them dear in your heart. Sometimes anger is needed before you can accept the reality of the loss.
  • ACCEPTANCE: “I can miss them and still continue living.” The ultimate goal of healing is to accept the tragic event as something that could not have been prevented and cannot be changed. Acceptance is not the same as forgetting. Instead, acceptance is learning to live again and to be able to reopen your heart, while still remembering the person who has passed away.

What Makes Suicide Different

Losing a friend or loved one is never easy. However, when you lose someone to suicide, it can feel different from other types of loss. Several circumstances can make death by suicide different, making the healing process more challenging. STIGMA AND ISOLATION: Talking about suicide can be difficult for those who have experienced the loss. Different cultures view suicide in different ways, and sometimes discussing it can be a challenge. This can also be made more difficult when the act of suicide conflicts with religious views. Suicide can be isolating as communities of friends each struggle differently to make sense of the loss they all experienced. Finding the right people in your support network who are able to help you experience your loss is important. Sometimes, this may mean seeking professional help in order to help you cope with your loss. In those situations it is recommended that you contact a counselor, mental health professional, or find a trusted therapist in the community. MIXED EMOTIONS: After a death by illness or natural causes, the bereaved’ s feelings may be less complicated than when the death is by suicide. When a death is by suicide, you might both mourn the person’s passing while also hold intense feelings about the circumstances of their death. Feelings such as anger, abandonment, and rejection can all occur after a suicide as well as positive feelings about the deceased. Sorting through all of these diverse feelings can make the healing process more challenging. NEEDING TO UNDERSTAND WHY: Understanding the circumstances of a death by suicide can sometimes lead us to asking “Why?” You may second guess actions, wish that you had noticed signs earlier, or wonder how you could have acted differently. This need to understand “why” may be a difficult path, as the circumstances surrounding the loved one’s death could be unclear or not easily known. Some questions may never be answered, while you may find other answers that make sense. Sometimes you will find answers to your questions, while other times, you must learn to accept the fact that there are some things no one can know. RISK FOR SURVIVORS: People who have recently experienced a loss by suicide are at increased risk for having suicidal thoughts themselves. After experiencing the loss of a loved one, it’s not uncommon to wish you were dead or to feel like the pain is unbearable. Remember that having suicidal thoughts does not mean that you will act on them. These feelings and thoughts will likely decrease over time, but if you find them too intense, or if you’re considering putting your thoughts into action, seek support from a mental health professional, counselor, trusted adult, or call 911 immediately.  The Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief and Loss

You will never “get over” the loss you’ve experienced, but you can “get through” it. You have been changed by this loss, but you can learn how to survive, even grow, from this challenge. The following are suggestions for healing in healthy ways: SEEK SUPPORT: It’s very important to find people in your life who are good listeners, so you can turn to someone when you need extra support. You may find it helpful to talk to a friend, family member, mental health professional or spiritual advisor. Some find joining a support group helpful since each person will be able to relate in different ways to your experience.  Whatever support looks like for you, it’s important to reach out for help when you feel like you need it. BE PATIENT: Just as you may be feeling a range of emotions, people around you may also be sorting through their feelings. Be patient with yourself and others: those who are supportive of you as well as those who do not seem to understand. Limit your contact with those who tell you how to feel and what to think. Take time to heal. Set limits for yourself, and give yourself permission to say “no” to things that may come your way. It’s difficult to make decisions when you’re feeling overwhelmed; you may decide it’s best to put off important decisions until you feel ready to make them. STAY PRESENT: Take each moment as it comes. That way, you can better accept whatever you’re feeling and be able to respond in the way that is most helpful to you. Maybe you would benefit from calling your best friend. Maybe journaling would help you let go of your thoughts for now. Learning mindfulness or relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help you stay present and experience your emotions without feeling overwhelmed. Your local community may have a Mindfulness Training Program where you can learn to be present and meditate. EXPRESS YOURSELF: You can choose to tell others how you’re feeling or acknowledge your feelings privately. If you don’t feel like talking, you can set aside time each day to grieve. Just make sure you leave enough time to do something pleasantly distracting before bed. Either way, acknowledging your experiences helps. ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE FUN: Social events or pleasant activities can provide relaxation and distraction. Laughter heals, and it’s also OK if you cry.  Get back to things you enjoyed and make it a priority. ESTABLISH ROUTINE: Even getting dressed may seem challenging, but it’s important to reestablish routine as soon as you can. Building in some structure can help you manage your grief and provide a sense of normalcy and hope. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Eat as well as you can, exercise when you can, and avoid alcohol and other drugs that will make it harder for you to work through your feelings. ** Jeff Yalden is a suicide prevention specialist who works with education, high schools, middle schools, parents, and communities to deal with a loss and the grieving process.  For more information on Jeff and his inspirational motivational school assemblies, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.

Depression – The Common Cold

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“If you only knew how I feel!” I know many people who suffer from depression echo these words every day. What is depression and how do we deal with it everyday?  First, depression is a condition we deal with.  It’s not who a person is.  Depression is a flaw in the brains chemistry, not a person’s character. If you are suffering from depression you’ll understand this: “You wake up only to want to go back to bed. You think nobody understands your feelings and thoughts, or what you are going through. “Just do it!”, people say.  As if it were that easy.  You try and get ready, but your extremities feel like they’re weighted and moving is a chore.  You are totally numb and anything you’ve once enjoyed, you seem to have lost total interest. You want to be alone.  You want people to be with you, but you don’t.  You want people to understand, but they can’t.  How can they when YOU don’t even understand?  You’re just numb!  Numb to life.  You’re emotionally not present.  It’s like you are drowning yet you look around and everyone is breathing life.  You avoid friends, you end up hurting relationships, make bad financial choices, and you see life speeding by, but you are left standing on the sideline. Depression is a constant feeling of being numb.  Numb to emotions.  Days aren’t really days when you are depressed; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced, but end up being avoided.  How do you face each day?  Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting?  When you are depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day.  That is what depression is.  It’s not sadness or tears; it’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.” I am Jeff Yalden, and although this is how I feel much of the time, I am a professional in the mental health field working with teens, parents, and educators.  I suffer from depression myself.  Anxiety too!  While I am sharing this with you, I’ll just let it all out.  I am diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and PTSD.  I am fully aware of who I am and the triggers that effect my mood swings.  I regularly see a counselor and am close with my doctors and medication.  Thank you!  I am proud to have a platform where I can openly share who I am, not just what I do. I have a message for you: It doesn’t have to be like this.  There is help and there is a better way to live with depression.  Please read and if this is you, I encourage you to lose your ego and open your heart to a medical professional and get help immediately. Clinical depression is more than just the “blues,” being “down in the dumps,” or experiencing temporary feelings of sadness we all have from time to time. Depression is a serious condition that affects the mind and body. It impacts all aspects of everyday life including eating, sleeping, working, relationships, and how a person thinks of himself/herself.  People who are clinically depressed can’t just “snap out of it.”  If not treated by a professional the symptoms can continue for weeks, months, and even years. The good news is that there are very effective treatments to help those who are depressed.  However, only about one third of those that are depressed actually receive treatment.  This is very sad because reports say that upwards of 80-90% of those that seek treatment feel better within weeks. For a variety of reasons many people don’t seek treatment.  Some believe that depression is the result of a personal weakness or character flaw.  Like diabetes, heart disease, or any other medical condition, clinical depression is an illness that should be treated by a mental health professional or physician. Another reason why many people do not seek help for depression is that they simply do not recognize the signs or symptoms that something may be wrong. Depression, also known as “The Common Cold” of mental illness not only causes suffering to those who are depressed, but it also causes great pain for their family and friends who often do not know how to help. Types of Depression Major Depressive Disorder – This impairs a person’s ability to work, sleep, eat, and function as he or she normally would. It keeps people from enjoying activities that were once pleasurable, and causes them to think about themselves and the world in negative ways. Major depression is often disabling and may occur several times in a person’s life. Dysthmic Disorder – Pronounced (Dis-Thy-mia). This is a milder yet more enduring type of major depression. People with dysthymia may appear to be chronically mildly depressed to the point that is seems to be a part of their personality. When a person finally seeks treatment for dysthymia, it is not uncommon that he/she has struggled with this condition for a number of years. Bipolar Disorder – Also knows as manic-depression or manic-depressive disorder. This condition is characterized by mood that alternated between periods of depression and periods of elation and excitable behavior knows as mania. For people who have bipolar disorder, the depressions can be severe and the mania can seriously impair one’s normal judgement. When manic, a person is prone towards reckless and inapropriate behavior such as engaging in wild spending sprees or having promiscuous sex. He or she may not be able to realize the harm of his/her behavior and may even lose touch with reality. Cyclothymic Disorder – Milder yet more enduring type of bipolar disorder. A person’s mood alternates between a less severe mania (known as hypomania) and a less severe depression. Mood Disorder – General Medical Condition – Depression may be caused or precipitated by a known or unknown physical medical condition such as hypothyroidism. Substance – Induced Mood Disorder – Depression may be caused or precipitated by the use or abuse of substances such as drugs, alcohol, medications, or toxins. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – This condition affects people during specific times or seasons of the year. During winter months individuals feel depressed and lethargic, but during other months their moods may be normal. Postpartum Depression – A rare form of depression occurring in women within one week to six months after giving birth. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder – This is an uncommon type of depression affecting a small percentage of menstruating woman. It is a cyclical condition in which women may feel depressed and irritable for one or two weeks before their menstrual period each month. Adjustment Disorder – Another common type of depression has to do with life changes. Adjustment disorder causes depressed mood, and it can be the result of the death of a loved one, divorce, moving to a different town, or even changing schools.   Symptoms of Depression People who are depressed or manic may not experience all of the following symptoms. Some will have many symptoms. Some will have just a few. The severity of symptoms will be different for each individuals and will vary over time. If you are experiencing some of these symptoms or if you have questions about whether you may be depressed or manic, you should consult with your physician or a qualified mental health professional. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, or has made plans to do so, you should seek the help of a mental health professional, call your physician, or call 911. There are several symptoms of depression. Among them are:
  • Withdrawing from family and friends
  • Losing interest in social and extracurricular activities
  • Lack of energy
  • Feeling tired most of the time
  • Anxiety
  • Irritability
  • Anger
  • Feelings of sadness for much of the time
  • Significant weight fluctuations
  • Sleep pattern changes
  • Physical pains and aches, or sickness, even though there is nothing physically wrong
  • Indifference about the future
  • Afraid of being a burden
  • Uncharacteristic pessimism
  • Guilty feelings
  • Lowering self-esteem
  • Suicidal thoughts
While these symptoms can be experienced by nearly everyone at some point in life, it is important to be able to tell depression apart from the normal roller coaster of life. ** A general rule of thumb for recognizing depression is that five or more symptoms will persist without break for more than two weeks.   Treatment for Depression Depression can be treated. If you are self medicating through substance abuse, over the counter medications, alcohol, cutting or self harm, please speak to a medical professional as soon as possible. Getting help requires you to pick up the phone and make an appointment. Within a couple of weeks you will feel better and you’ll be thankful you made this decision. Everybody is different. For some, therapy alone works well, while for others, medication is needed. Most people respond favorably to a combination of therapy and medication.  However, it is important to realize that medication can become habit forming, and that it should only be used while under a doctor’s care, and only as directed. ——————————————————————————- Jeff Yalden is a motivational speaker who speaks to nearly 250,000 people each year in high schools, middle schools, and parent / community presentations.  Jeff specializes in teen depression, mental health, and talking to parents about teens and technology – cell phones and the use of social media.  Jeff is an expert on the relationship between parents and teenagers and bridges the gap between the two.  For more information on Jeff Yalden, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.  There you will find out about Jeff’s TV Show coming up, his Radio Show, books, and Podcast.  Also, visit Jeff Yalden on YouTube and watch his videos.

Parenting – Unconditional Love & Support

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For 23 years, I have worked with teens and parents in multiple capacities – speaking engagements, television, life coaching, intervention, and coaching.  It’s been an honor and a privilege to have found myself in this field of work. Over the past 10 days, I have had the opportunity to sit back and read the sad and unfortunate circumstances in regards to the loss of Leelah Alcorn, the transgender from Ohio that committed suicide.  I sit back and reflect as a parent and think who am I to judge.  We all have opinions. I certainly am not and haven’t been a perfect parent or role model.  I’ve made my mistakes and have been judged.  I’ve had my successes and been applauded.  As I age, I continually learn so much and look back and learn from the lessons I’ve lived knowing what I did wrong and how I could have done better.  Being healthy and balanced in my heart and head has been a journey with counseling and my relationship with God.  Everyday, I try and be a man that lives a positive life and supports and loves unconditionally my inner circle of people and my family.  What exactly does that mean though?  Through anything will I love unconditionally?  Through anything will I support unconditionally?  My opinion depends on the circumstances and personally, I have dealt with many circumstances to have learned from and to where I now teach from.  Life’s lessons have certainly made me who I am and who I am today is a much better communicator and motivator as a result of experience and age.  I think this is the case for us all. When I look at the situation from Leelah Alcorn and I think, “What if that were my child?”  First, I want to hope that I would have been closer to “her”, and to know that my son, “Joshua”, that I brought into the world was having emotional issues that I needed to understand.  Then, regardless of how I felt or how I thought, I wanted to do what is right as a parent and what is right and best for my child.  In this circumstance, I would unconditionally love and support my child, “Leelah”, and embrace her.  No question!  When it comes to sexuality, my child being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, this is my child and I will love and support my child.  I would act from my heart even if this challenged my faith. Where does that love and support change?  What if my child was addicted to meth, heroine, crack-cocaine, prescription drugs, or alcohol?  How would I respond then?  Completely different situation because now I am dealing with an addiction that is different than an emotion.  Having dealt with addiction and seen it firsthand, I have come to learn that to enable a behavior is to hurt the person more than you could be helping the person.  I am not one to enable anyone.  Personally, I think we’ve become a society that is failing our children because we are trying to hard to protect them from failure and mistakes.  We can’t shelter our children from the real world.  I feel that we as parents, teachers, coaches, and counselors it is our responsibility to teach our youth and children about personal responsibility and accountability.  Teach them that life isn’t easy.  Life is hard.  Life isn’t fair.  Life will never be fair.  Tough love?  Perhaps!  Put the responsibility where it belongs.  This doesn’t change the fact that I love my child unconditionally, it just changes that I am not going to support the behavior which is a result of the addiction.  This is choices versus consequences. If my child chooses to get help, I am supportive and there through the process every step of the way.  If the addiction is stronger than the desire and my child isn’t getting help and tearing apart the family – stealing, fighting, disrespecting, etc. I will not tolerate that and I will put boundaries on the relationship.  I will let my child hit rock bottom.  You can’t over parent addiction.  Addiction needs the help of professionals and in my opinion it needs to be dealt with in residential care.  I am not supporting the behavior, but this doesn’t change my love which still is unconditional. The point I am trying to make is that as parents we need to look at every situation differently and deal with the situation at hand.  Many families have issues within the walls of their home.  Don’t let your neighbors influence your parenting.  Don’t try and be the almighty perfect family because you’re living a life protected by a facade.  You brought your children in the world and society has an influence on them – the music, media, marketing.  Nature verse nurture, too.  Your faith has an influence on your morals and values, but is that more important that the circumstances at hand?  Sometimes we need to change and pray about it, but what is important here is that our child knows we unconditionally love them no matter what.  The support may never be understood, but that is parenting.  Parenting everyday is never understood. In the case of Leelah Alcorn, I think the demise of her death is very sad and didn’t need to happen.  She didn’t feel love nor she didn’t feel support.  That is sad.  She left saying, “Let my death mean something!”  I want to honor that.  What does her death mean to you as a parent in how you love and support your child?  Whether it is grades, sports, friends, sexuality, drugs, or anything else.  How are you going to show your child your support and love?  How are you going to parent and teach?  What message do you want your child to get?  Parenting is about being a part of your children’s lives and knowing who they are and being there for them in the good times and the bad times.  It’s being their inspiration and the disciplinarian.  It’s listening and offering advice and support.  It’s correcting actions and behaviors, too.  Parenting isn’t easy.  Nobody every said it was.  You will fail and cry, because you did things wrong.  You will laugh and applaud, because you did things right, too.  To judge yourself daily as a parent is to be expecting too much of yourself and trying to be the “Perfect” parent.  You are a family and that is what is most important. In the end, I want my children to know I love them and I’ll support them.  I may not support their choices and decisions, but I will listen.  They need to know that I will give tough love when I have to.  I will not enable them because enabling is setting up our youth, whether our children, our students, our athletes, whomever, for failure and a life of hurt.  I want to be a role model and let my actions speak louder than my parenting.  I want them to be happy, but what does happy really mean?  I want them to be good and to do what is right, but who is to say, “What is really right?”  I hope in the end, my children grow up and become young people that that live a life of meaning, live a life of fulfillment, and are rewarded for who they are, how they live, and in the manner in which they’ve lived – as a result of what I may have taught them. Just my thoughts . . .   Who is Jeff Yalden Jeff Yalden is a Teen and Family Communicator.  A Suicide Prevention Specialist and a Teen Motivational Speaker.  He is the author of “Your Life Matters.”  Jeff is the Host of “The Jeff Yalden Show”, on WMRC 1490 Radio and his Podcast for teens and parents can be found at www.JeffYalden.com/itunes.  Follow Jeff on Social Media @JeffYalden and visit his website at www.JeffYalden.com.  

Texting Acronyms for Parents of Teens

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Warning: Can be shocking to some! Your kid has something to hide CD9: Short for “Code 9,” which means parents are around. KPC: Keeping Parents Clueless MOS: Mom Over Shoulder P911: Parent Alert PAL: Parents Are Listening PAW: Parents Are Watching PIR: Parent In Room POS: Parent Over Shoulder Your kid’s personal information or safety is at risk ASL: Age/Sex/Location F2F: Face to Face. Asking for a meeting or video chat LMIRL: Let’s Meet In Real Life NAZ: Name/Address/ZIP MOOS: Member of the Opposite Sex MOSS: Member of the Same Sex MORF or RUMORF: Male or Female, or Are Your Male or Female? RU/18: Are You Over 18? WUF: Where You From? WYCM: Will You Call Me? WYRN: What’s Your Real Name? Your kid shouldn’t be involved in this 143, 459 or ILU: I love you 1174: Invited to a wild party 420: Marijuana GNOC: Get Naked On Cam GYPO: Get Your Pants Off AMEZRU: I Am Easy, Are You? IWSN: I Want Sex Now KFY or K4Y: Kiss For You KOTL: Kiss On The Lips NIFOC: Nude In Front Of The Computer RUH: Are You Horny? TDTM: Talk Dirty To Me Not every acronym is bad BRB: Be Right Back CWYL: Chat With You Later CYT: See You Tomorrow IMHO: In My Humble Opinion IMNSHO: In My Not So Humble Opinion L8R: Later LMK: Let Me Know NM: Never Mind ROTFL: Rolling On The Floor Laughing SOHF: Sense Of Humor Failure If you’re curious about another acronym that you’ve stumbled across in your kids’ texts or chat, look it up on NetLingo. It has a continually updating list of online acronyms, along with their various meanings and origins. As any parent will tell you, dealing with teenagers and preteens is a fine balancing act. You want to give them freedom to explore, but you also need to keep tabs on what they’re doing. Click here for 5 dangerous apps you don’t know your kid is using. I recommend friending or following your kids on any sites they use. If they know you’re watching, they’re less likely to do something they shouldn’t. Plus, you can keep an eye to make sure they aren’t revealing information they shouldn’t or talking to people who aren’t safe. Of course, you never know what sites they might be using that you don’t know about. That’s where monitoring and tracking apps and software come in handy. You can keep tabs on everything they do online. Just be sure to communicate with your kids about why certain sites are bad so they can grow into responsible digital citizens. In fact, you should start before they’re teens with my 10 Commandments for Kids Online. It’s a contract between you and your child about the do’s and don’ts of our digital life. Jeff Yalden is a youth motivational speaker and celebrity teen and family life coach.  Visit Jeff at www.JeffYalden.com.

My Death Needs To Mean Something

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“My Death Needs to Mean Something!” – Leelah Alcorn Five Facts You Need to Know – Leelah Alcorn leelah-alcorn-tumblr   Suicide is never the answer! Her message could have been heard louder and longer had she been supported by her family with unconditional love and support. We could have used her voice, not her death by suicide. My name is Jeff Yalden. I am a Suicide Prevention Trainer and Celebrity Teen & Family Life Coach having worked with families and teens for 23 years. Teen Suicide touches my heart because I was there at 16 years old and 21 years old.   Today, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar Type 2 and PTSD. This is my work and my passion. The point I want to make in this blog is about unconditional love and support in regards to Leelah and her needs not being met.  I understand unconditional love.  I also understand supporting your child under different circumstances.  This particular issue is about how I feel when your child has emotional issues, is gay or lesbian, bisexual or transgender.  In my professional opinion, the parents should have been open and understanding where their daughter needed their support and didn’t get it.  Leelah needed the love and affection from her parents and family and if her parents and family chose their faith and their religious views over the needs of their daughter then they failed their daughter.  That is the bottom line.  I am saying “If”, because I don’t want to speculate any further about conversations within their walls of their home.  In the end, this is very sad and unfortunate. Being a teenager is hard enough. Growing up in today’s world where we are on and worried about being judged by our peers is hard enough. Having to be accepted and fit in is an everyday challenge. Then, having to grow up and dealing with everyday teenager stuff and NOT having the support of our family is unfathomable and ultimately is the cause of Leelah’s decision to end her life.  Her cries for help weren’t answered and they weren’t taken seriously.  Read her posts . . . (Here).  This is what Leelah says.  In regards to her family all I am reading is that they are still referring to their daughter as “He”, “Him”, and I don’t think they are respecting her wishes. Read the latest article . . . (Here) – It’s more disturbing and speaks loudly about the challenges she faced.  Again, I don’t know what the family knew or how deep her pain and needs for love and acceptance were. She was only 17 years old. Born Joshua Alcorn, a boy and at the age of four, he felt he was a girl trapped in a boy’s body. Her cries for help weren’t supported by her devout Christian parents who forced her to go to conversion therapy, which seeks to change sexual orientation through counseling. This practice has been banned in two states on grounds it is medically unfounded and puts children in danger. The argument on the internet now is whether or not the parents should be help responsible (Dan Savage) and charged.  Could this suicide have been prevented if the parents were more open-minded?  Sure, I think so!  The message is greater than what will happen to the parents.  The message needs to be heard by all parents and teens suffering emotionally and spiritually.  Listen to your childs needs and desires.  Open your heart to understanding that today’s teens and youth are different then when we as parents were growing up.  Listen to them and understand them.  Support them and embrace them in their journey. (** Again, I am referring to this particular issue.  Whereas, if your child is struggling with addiction to drugs or alcohol then I have a whole different take and belief as to the role of a parent and supporting their child.  You can love them unconditionally, but to support them is going to be different.  I am more tough love in this case.  Another blog post about the difference in circumstances and the role of a parent in supporting and unconditionally loving their children.) First and foremost, there is difference between unconditionally loving and supporting your child. To unconditionally love your child, but not support your child is not unconditionally loving your child. It is loving your child conditionally. To love your child unconditionally is to love and support your child, children, spouse, partner, or friend(s) for the person they are or choose to be.  Think of it as how your dog loves you.  Your dog doesn’t judge you.  Your dog is always waiting to greet you.  Your dog loves you more than your dog loves itself.  You might not agree with the sexual orientation of your child or how they dress, but you support them unconditionally and lovingly accept them (period!)   In my opinion, the parents didn’t do this and that is where I think they failed their daughter leading to her suicide. In Leelah’s case, she was convinced for many years she was a girl living in a boy’s body.  That should have been addressed – Meet her needs first before getting her to understand the families morals and values.  As Dr. Stephen Covey says in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
leelah-joshua-alcorn-suicide-note-1-copy

Suicide Note left by Leelah Alcorn

I don’t feel that scorning the parents is the answer. What does that do now? The parents are grieving and have to live with this the rest of their lives. Suicide may have freed Leelah from the pain, but now her pain is transferred to her parents and they have to live with their inner conscience of what they did right or did wrong as parents.  They will pray and ask God for forgiveness as we should forgive them as quickly as society is judging them right now.  This is a lesson for all parents in raising their children.  Listen to the cries of your children.  If you are not, you are failing your children. The parents wanted Leelah to be the Joshua they named him at birth. They wanted their child to be the perfect straight Christian little boy they had hoped he’d be. Well, at age four Leelah was conflicted. She was a girl living in a boy’s body, she says. Why wasn’t her feelings and emotions respected? Why wasn’t this supported through counseling and help? Conversion therapy isn’t the answer to a young lady at in her preteen years to 17 years old. The parents failed by not listening to the cries of their daughter. Parents fail their children everyday by not listening to the cries of their children. Using death to send a message is never the answer. The message is heard for a few weeks, but then life resumes and suddenly we will speak less and less about transgender and the loss of Leelah. There is help and there is hope.  Suicide is preventable and doesn’t ever need to be the final decision.  It takes courage and time. Things change over time. Everything changes over time – depression, people, things, places, life.  Leelah needed love and support.  She needed to be heard and not judged.  Leelah needed acceptance and understanding, she needed love and support.  She needed this from her family.  Millions of teenagers struggle everyday in their walk through life with who they are and who they’re becoming.  Society doesn’t make it easy for anyone.  Everything is watched and talked about.  Social media puts people on 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. In short, this suicide could have been prevented if:
  1. The parents were open to who their daughter was and respected her emotions and feelings
  2. Her parents supported her and learned more about why she felt this way
  3. Leelah chose to get help with her own emotions and feelings by asking to see a professional therapist
  4. The family chose to see a therapist together
  5. Society wasn’t so judgemental
  6. People would stop thinking it’s their way or no way
  7. People would become more open-minded and accepting
  8. We would judge less and forgive more
  9. The right people had the courage to help Leelah speak to the right (professional) people
  10. She felt loved and not judged
  Where does God and our faith come in to this? Pope Francis has started to ease up on the Bible’s teachings.  Here is just one article about Pope Francis . . .  (Read).  Many of people in the Churches pulpit are gay or lesbian and they’ve become accepted.  So, who am I to judge?  In the end, I personally have to answer to God when He calls my name. You are going to judge me here.  I know and that is fine.  I accept it. I work with youth and families.  I stand strong on who I am as a man and my morals and values.  I go to Church, I pray, and I am learning to read the bible.  This is what I do and I don’t expect my neighbor to do the same, but I still love and respect my neighbor for who they are. My family has their beliefs and they all walk in their faith at their pace.  Whom am I to change that?  I can only inspire and influence by my actions and how I live.  Understand, I am not perfect.  Who is? When it comes to working with youth, teens, education, and families I have a completely different take on faith, religion, and spirituality.  I try and teach young people to have courage through life’s battles and self respect to make good choices.  My audience is usually teens searching for answers to life’s questions.  I meet my audience at their level and where they are in life.  I don’t expect my 16 year old daughter to love Jesus as I do. I can encourage the House of God, the Bible, and Prayer, but at 16 years old I know hormones and changes are more powerful than the mind wanting to know Jesus.  You can disagree all you want, but I will not challenge you on how you raise your children.  What works for you in your house is your business.  What works for me within my four walls works for me and I am constantly open to learn and change. In time, I know my influence and how I live my life will speak volumes.  The message will be received when the student is ready.  Like leading a horse to water, right? To my kids, I will support them unconditionally. Circumstances will certainly play a role in how I support them and the support I show.  Some things are completely unacceptable and my support will be “TOUGH LOVE.”  I’ve been there and I’ll do it again.  My children and your children may not understand “Tough Love”, but I promise, someday they will and they will “Thank You” for it. Our children make choices in life.  This is the experience and the lessons they learn as they grow up.  Personally, I want them to have a passion and enthusiasm everyday and to live life with morals and values as I try and teach them. I have my set of morals and values and my living them I hope will influence them as they figure out their own.  I want them to do what is right.  I will show them what is right.  What is right for me doesn’t always make sense to a teen all the time.  They don’t understand life yet. They’re figuring it out and I want to to figure it out through successes and failures, good times and bad times.  My parents supported me and I know many times they were left shaking their heads.  They loved me through tough times and supported me through many of the tough times, but they also left me to figure it out because they didn’t support a decision I was making.  They gave me tough love at times and I am grateful they did. In the end, Leelah chose to end her life.  This is what I am saddened about.  It doesn’t ever have to end like this for anyone. There is help and people should have been more open to encouraging the help, rather than judging her for who she felt she was.  Many people are at fault for the end result.  Not just the parents. The ultimate responsibility lies on Leelah because she knew what she was doing. She could have gotten help rather than taking the cowardly way out leaving us all to pick up the pieces. RIP Leelah! The Video: “My Death Needs to Mean Something!” IMG_6572Who is Jeff Yalden? Jeff Yalden is a Teen Suicide Prevention Trainer and Expert.  For 23 years, Jeff has worked with teens and parents across the globe.  As a Youth Motivational Speaker, Jeff specializes in high school assemblies, parent and community programs teaching teens about life and supporting parents in their understanding of today’s teens.  Please visit Jeff Yalden at www.JeffYalden.com for more information.  Also, follow Jeff on Social Media – @JeffYalden Mental Health Professionals, Schools, Parents, and Communities – Watch Jeff’s Message – 4 Tips To Prevent Teen Suicide  

Suicide Prevention . . . There is HOPE!

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Suicide

Your Role in the Prevention of Suicides By Jeff Yalden, CSP, Suicide Prevention Expert Suicide is a a major concern that is invading schools and communities at an ever increasing rate and your school is not immune.  Every day it is estimated that 85 individuals commit suicide in the United States alone and for every death by suicide there are 25 suicide attempts. Suicide has climbed to the third leading cause of death for youth ages 15-24 with ‘accidental deaths’ ranking second. I deal with suicide and mental health weekly.  It’s surprising when I talk to students, parents, faculty, staff members, and administrators, to hear they  are often surprised when they hear how vulnerable their community is to depression and other mental heath concerns.  Suicide is taboo.  Let’s not talk about it.  90% of suicides are a result of depression, a form of mental health.  Suicide is preventable and there is HOPE. Online Training is Available . . . The truth is that we are in a national, regional and personal war against suicide with our focus on not only saving lives but on ending stigma toward suicide and other mental health concerns. How are we supposed to prevent suicides when a majority of well educated professionals in leadership roles do not recognize that this problem exists right under their leadership, in their communities, in their schools? Interpersonal research on suicidal communications among significant others has shown that one of the most common responses of friends and family members to a threat of suicide is no response even though, 90 percent of people thinking about taking their lives have communicated their intentions to others. If you suspected that a friend was suffering from pneumonia or a broken leg, you would most likely do something to intervene. Peoples’ response to a possible suicide crisis tends to be much more complicated, though it does not have to be.  We have to stop being afraid to talk about the “S” word. Most people have not been educated on the warning signs and symptoms of suicide and there fore do not know what to look for when anticipating whether someone they know is at risk for suicide. Most people do not know how to talk to someone about suicide and most people struggle with how to get help for someone that they feel could be at risk. One common myth about suicide is the thinking that if I talk to the person about suicide, I might make him or her feel worse, or worse yet, I might put the idea in his or her head. This myth is simply not true. In fact, most individuals who attempt or complete suicide are ambivalent about the act of taking their own life up until the point that they attempt or complete suicide. Most individuals want desperately to be helped and saved from the pain, but in feeling trapped or stuck begin to think that suicide may be the only option. Most suicidal individuals enter that point in which they actually intend to take their own lives only briefly until the state of crisis is over. Suicide can be stopped with basic training in the a) warning signs, b) ways to talk to a suicidal individual, and c) places to refer him or her for immediate help. This is the training that I do in schools and communities.  I am on the front lines of suicide prevention, but it is essential that you educate yourself about the ways that you can help.  I am offering a certified suicide prevention training (Question, Persuade, Refer [QPR]), to all students, faculty, and staff members.  This 90-minute to w hour training is designed to help provide the critical skills necessary for non-mental health professionals when faced with a possible person/student of concern. QPR training is engaging and informative to all faculty, staff, and students and includes information on: •    The problem of suicide nationally, and locally •    Common myths and facts associated with suicide •    Warning signs of suicide •    Tips for asking the suicide question •    Methods for persuading suicidal individuals to get help •    Ways of referring at risk people to local resources •    AND time for Questions and Answers With medical costs costing an attempted suicide between $5,000 and $30,000 dollars, you have to address this issue now and take advantage of this important and very crucial training.  Another reason why you need to address teen suicide is because each week I hear from educators, teachers, and communities about their schools having suffered through not just one suicide, but multiple suicides within days, weeks, months.  How about six suicides in four weeks?  How about nine teen suicides in one year?  What are you doing? In doing so you will learn that individuals who are at risk for suicide are not that different from someone in physical pain; emotional pain can be harder to see if you’re not looking. For more information about QPR Training with Jeff Yalden, contact 800-948-9289 or email us today.  We can also come to your facility and train your staff members. Sign up for an Online Suicide Prevention Training with Jeff Yalden.

4 Tips to Teen Suicide Prevention

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It’s another day, but today’s hurt hit hard. I was in McLean, Virginia where I just did two back-to-back one hour and thirty minute assemblies to 2,000 students in a high school gymnasium. The energy was awesome. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I finally got out of school to have an hour to myself before I had to head over to Langley High School for my third program of the day. This is when the craziness happened. The minute I turned on my cell phone it was adrenaline and anxiety. First, I am getting messages of kindness and gratitude for my video to Olathe Northwest High School, where just days ago two teen girls on the girls soccer team and friends, in Olathe, Kansas, had committed suicide within 48 hours of each other. Those messages make me smile. But, there were two messages asking, “Why?” And, “What can we do now?” Those messages hurt because it’s not NOW that we need to do something is the question to be asking. It’s everyday we should be doing something. Then, I get a Facebook message about another suicide last night at The Pine School in Hobe Sound, Florida. This one was personal and hit my heart. In August, I was brought in to help answer questions from parents and the community and to inspire the high school students getting them focused back to education. We needed to move forward after three weeks of grieving for the loss of a beloved classmate and student council president who without no signs or warnings, made a decision to end his life without leaving anything behind. This devastated the school community of this private, very affluent, quaint little school. It was tough and then I was getting Facebook messages and calls from the parents I had met who’ve become friends. Next, I went through what I went through back in 1992. Although I wasn’t present in person, I was on the phone when I heard the gunshot. I didn’t know this person. She called in on my 800# thinking this was the Suicide Hotline. It wasn’t, but I didn’t want to let her go. She was crying and needed help at that moment. The call came in from a Missouri number and I hear, “Wait, the caller on the line just hung up.” The call comes in again. “Hello?”, I said. They hung up again. Then a third call from a different number in Missouri and it’s this lady crying thinking she got the Suicide Hotline. I put everything down and gave my full attention to this lady. I got her name. She was 32 years old living in St. Louis, MO. I got her to breathe and close her eyes and said, “Jessica, I want to help you. I need you to stay with me and we can work through this together.” A police officer was coming in my rearview mirror. I flagged him down immediately.   While on the phone with this young lady he listened from three feet away. I needed to calm her down and go through my training before giving her the correct number or better yet knowing in my heart she was going to seek help immediately. I wanted to get all her information so I could do my part from 1,000 miles away. “I want to help you. I can help you.” I said. We talked for about two minutes when I asked her if she had a plan and if she wanted to die. Her response, “Yes!” I replied, “Do you have a plan as to what you would do and do you have any weapons or drugs in the house now?” Her reply, “Yes!” I stayed calm. I needed her to talk more. I needed to let her know I cared and that it is common to feel pain, but we could work through this and get her help. I asked her if she had a counselor that she sees and could call. I heard silence. “Hello?” I said . . . I heard a gun shot! There was a silence like I’ve never heard before. It was real. Oh God! I called the police in St. Louis, MO and told them the ladies name, age, and gave them the phone number. I took a minute and closed my eyes while I took a few deep breaths. I looked at the officer and he looked at me. He said, “You did a great job! You tried.” Then I got an email from Garry Sullivan, Assistant Principal at The Pine School and he told me about the boy from his school that committed suicide last night. Said the boy tried calling him twice yesterday afternoon, but his phone didn’t ring. At 9:30 pm he shot himself in the head. Mr. Sullivan felt he could have prevented this suicide. Maybe he could have, but maybe he couldn’t have. We will never know, but we can’t look back and wonder, “If only!” So, it was a tough day, but on the positive side, I impacted 3,000 high school students in two schools. This is what I do! I was given a gift from above to Touch Hearts . . . Change Lives! Maybe even save lives too. I have learned that some lives we can’t save and as insensitive as that might sound, I have come to accept it is true. That won’t stop me from trying. Our Job . . . PREVENTING So, let’s assume we are all responsible for the morale and spirit within our buildings. Let’s call us Gatekeepers. We can open the gate to someone’s heart with four simple steps to preventing teen suicide. We are Change Agents too. We change lives because we care and we influence others with our kindness and compassion. I encourage you to find the courage to be aware and to get involved when you need to. Know that you can make a difference and possibly save a life. Know that someone you know could be hurting and they want to know that somebody does care. Here are four tips that can prevent a suicide from happening and a school from having to deal with the pain and heartache. Suicide doesn’t free a person from the pain. It just transfers the pain to someone else and now they have to have the courage to pick up the pieces and deal with the loss, let alone now get the help they need. Suicide transfers pain from one to another. Suicide is a permanent action to a temporary situation, in most cases. In most cases, suicide can be prevented. So, let’s get to the point of this blog post. The speed of hurt today for a teen is unfathomable and needs to be taken seriously. Parents, teachers, coaches, community members, and students need to understand how they can help and what they can do. ACTION PLAN for the Gatekeeper and Change Agents Let’s assume we are all ready to take on the role of Gatekeeper or Change Agent. We are on alert to a friend or peer that might be hurting and we want to help in the best way we can. Here is what we do: Identify the Person – Perhaps, you know or see someone that is in pain and doesn’t seem to be their normal self. Now, you have identified someone as a person that potentially, could harm themselves, and you feel you should go to the next step. It takes courage, but all you are doing is saying, “I care about you! I want to help if I can.” 90% of suicides happen where there is a mental disorder or illness that is present within the person. Most of the time it’s depression. Know the Signs or Symptoms of Teen Depression Among them are:
  • Withdrawing from family and friends
  • Losing interest in social and extracurricular activities
  • Lack of energy
  • Feeling tired most of the time
  • Anxiety
  • Irritability
  • Anger
  • Feelings of sadness for much of the time
  • Significant weight fluctuations
  • Sleep pattern changes
  • Physical pains and aches, or sickness, even though there is nothing physically wrong
  • Indifference about the future
  • Afraid of being a burden
  • Uncharacteristic pessimism
Causes of Teen Suicide As I stated earlier, there are several different factors that may lead a person to take his or her life, but the most common is depression. Feelings of hopelessness and anxiety, along with feelings of being trapped in a life that one can’t handle, are very real contributors to teen suicide. In some cases, teenagers believe that suicide is the only way to solve their problems. The pressures of life seem too much to cope with, and some teenagers look at suicide as a welcome escape of the pain, but really the pain just transfers to another person. Other factors that may contribute to Teen Suicide include:
  • Divorce of parents
  • Violence in the home
  • Inability to find success at school
  • Feelings of worthlessness
  • Rejection by friends or peers
  • Substance abuse
  • Death of someone close to the teenager
  • The suicide of a friend or someone he or she “knows” online
  • Disappointment
Signs that your teenager may attempt suicide It is important to be on the look out for signs that a person may attempt suicide. What is so difficult about some of these warning signs of suicide is that some of them are similar to normal adolescent behavior. The teenage years are a trying time, and sometimes, normal behavior looks a lot like possibly destructive behavior. But it doesn’t hurt to look into the following warning signs of teen suicide:
  • Talks about death and/or suicide (maybe even with a joking manner)
  • Plans ways to kill him or herself
  • Expresses worries that nobody cares about him or her
  • Has attempted suicide in the past
  • Dramatic changes in personality and behavior
  • Withdraws from interacting with friends and family
  • Shows signs of depression
  • Shows signs of a substance abuse problem
  • Begins to act recklessly and engage in risk-taking behaviors
  • Begins to give away sentimental possessions
  • Spends time online interacting with people who glamorize suicide and maybe even form suicide pacts
Now that you’ve identified a person and you’ve chosen to take the next step you move to question the person. Question the Person – This is where you question the individual you suspect might be hurting inside. You address this person one on one with an open heart and kindness. Never come across as you are challenging or being above and speaking at to the person. Come to this person as a caring person that is concerned and express the desire to help or listen. As you address this person you let them know you want to listen and that you are there for them. This has to be done in a compassionate way where you are showing you are interested in their story and you are willing to listen and do what you can. Be patient and open your heart. You are trying to get their trust. If they aren’t willing to talk, be patient and maybe ask some lead in questions. Don’t come straight out with, “You aren’t going to kill yourself, are you?” Get the person relaxed. Talk about life, school, pressures, friends, etc. Then, maybe a safe question would be, “Do you ever just want to go to bed and never wake up?” It’s trust and it takes time. You can do so much by just talking and working to earn their trust. Don’t leave the person unless you are sure they are ok. If you have a sense that you can’t get through to their heart, but clearly feel in your gut that you are unsure, please talk to a trusted adult, counselor, or professional right away. This is the right thing to do and the person will appreciate you caring and wanting what is best for this person. We have that responsibility and that should be taken seriously. Get help immediately. Pursuade – When you have invested your heart and time with this person and they have opened up to you it’s now time to move onto persuading them to seek professional help. You open your heart and talk about how a professional can help you sort through some of the craziness or anxiety they might be feeling or experiencing. Encourage them that parents help their kids, coaches help their athletes, teachers help their students, and counselors help their clients. It’s perfectly normal to feel emotions, confusion, and stress. It’s also perfectly normal to need to talk to somebody. We can’t expect to fix all of life’s problems on our own. Asking for help and seeking help is a good thing and will help the person feel better as a result. Be honest. Be open. Share from your heart. Maybe even tell your story. Share the time that maybe you’ve had help for something you dealt with. This is a very critical step and it’s important to the whole process of possibly saving a life. Don’t leave the person unless you have trust and a verbal commitment that they are going to talk to someone immediately. Get that verbal commitment if you absolutely have to leave the person in this point of the conversation. Refer – You have just persuaded this person to seek professional help. Now, it is time to refer them to someone and you should walk with them finding help for the person. In the immediate future, find a trusted adult. If you are in school, I recommend a counselor or the nurse. Or, walk to the office and find an administrator. From there they will be in the right hands with a more professional person who will address the issue from that point, but you’ve done your work and you should be proud. You shouldn’t handle this on your own as a Gatekeeper and Change Agent. We are the vehicle from identifying the person to taking the person where they get professional help. This is a very important role. If at home via email, text, or social media – I would encourage the following steps: After the Identifying of the person . . . Question – Never via text or typing. Always get the person on the phone or go and visit person face to face. Persuade – Again, never via text or typing. You have come to the point where you have to persuade someone to seek help immediately. Go to your parents. Contact their parents. Get to the person right away. Don’t own it and think you could be the HERO. There are trained professionals who need to be involved at this critical point. Remember, it is absolutely the RIGHT THING TO DO. Refer – By telling your parents or the person’s parents you are referring them to help and because you are not present this is the best thing. The parents will know what to do and will take the necessary steps to contact a professional. Know the Suicide Hotline Number – 800-273-TALK (8255). Get the help immediately because at this point it is critical and should be taken seriously. You will be thanked and appreciated for stepping in and being the Gatekeeper. You are a Change Agent with courage to do the right thing. If nobody is around and you are at a loss of what to do in the moment, please call the Suicide Hotline at 800–273–TALK (8255). Add this number to your contacts in your smartphone. If you are at a complete loss, you can always call 911 and stay with the person. Suicide Hotline – 800-273-TALK (8255)  Logo Who is Jeff Yalden? Jeff Yalden is a youth motivational speaker and facilitator of Suicide Prevention Trainings. Jeff has worked with youth, educators, and families for 23 years. He’s the author of Your Life Matters, a radio show host of The Jeff Yalden Show and has a Podcast – Encouraging Parents & Inspiring Teens. Since 1992, Jeff has traveled 50 states and 48 countries mesmerizing teen audiences with his heartfelt message about Love, Life, and Living. He’s delivered his talk in over 4,000 high schools and middle schools, colleges and universities. He’s been the keynote speaker for hundreds of leadership conferences talking to teens about personal leadership and your influence on others. Jeff Yalden is an advocate for mental health and teen depression. Being a person that has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, bi-polar type 2, and PTSD, Jeff is passionate about sharing his story and inspiring those in a position to help and inspire others. Jeff is engaging, charismatic, and real. Your community will be delighted to host Jeff for your teens and parents or a Staff In-Service Training on how to identify, question, persuade, and refer a potential suicidal student to get help. Your audience will laugh, think, and reflect, but ultimately they will leave cheering themselves and their kids on. For more information, visit www.JeffYalden.com. and www.JeffYalden.com/suicide-prevention-training.  

Teen Depression & Suicide – It’s Real!

by

Jeff Yalden Changes Lives!

Jeff Yalden Changes Lives!

It’s another day and another phone call when I hear of another teen suicide. This time it’s a popular senior and the incoming student council president of an elite private school in Hobe Sound, Florida. The administration just wanted to ask general questions hearing that I deal with this quite often. School hasn’t started, but the teachers, staff members, and the community is quite shaken. As you can imagine, parents want answers to the many questions that they’ve never had to ask – Until now! Three weeks later, on the second day of school, I visited the campus to welcome the students, bring closure to a tough three weeks, and to encourage the students to make this a great year. That night in the gymnasium over 200 parents came out to hear me talk about Teens, Depression, and Suicide. 200 parents came from a school with only 175 student grades.  200 parents is a great turnout. 88bfd093e6f2457f21925eeb176f22d5 The reality is sometimes there are no answers. There doesn’t have to be a note left behind or friends having concerns. It could be many reasons leaving us to speculate for the rest of our lives and to wonder what we could have done to prevent this suicide from happening. It could be an attempt to reach out for help that went too far and ultimately a suicide was completed. It could be irresponsible thoughts leading to irresponsible behavior where a teen is reacting in the moment and not thinking long term. For many teens, the smallest thing can happen and for them it’s the end of the world. In my opinion, I find that we’ve become an educational society focused greatly on academics and standardized testing. This has taken away human interaction and quality time where teens can learn problem solving and coping skills. Also, there is less activity that teens are involved in such as school sports and extracurricular activities, which leads teens to an average of 50-70 hours a week of screen time – computer, cell, social media outlets, etc. This is my opinion on the forefront. There are many other reasons such as mental illness – which is the case for over 90% of completed suicides. 972013_539133806147550_1569985437_n Want a Suicide Prevention Training Class with your staff or community? Visit Jeff Yalden at www.JeffYalden.com/suicide-prevention-training and let’s prevent these suicides from happening in our communities. Social Media Depression Between the ages of 8-18 – Kids feel sad if they compare their lives to what they see on other social media profiles such as instagram, facebook, snap chat, group texting, etc. What does this lead to? It leads to isolation, feelings of comparison as they see they’re not as popular or accepted as others. It ultimately can lead to depression. Teenagers live in the here and the now and what they are seeing is posts and pictures of others having fun and they are not. They see smiles and laughs and they’re wondering why they aren’t having as much fun or laughing as much. Or, they wonder why they weren’t invited. This leads to so many thoughts going on in their heads. Again, leading to depression. In 2012, Medical News Today reported on a study suggesting that Facebook use may feed anxiety and increase a person’s feeling of inadequacy.  For teenagers today, Facebook isn’t cool anymore. It’s instagram and snapchat right now that are the hottest. Same anxiety and an increase in a person’s feeling of inadequacy though. Just a different platform. A more recent study, led by social psychiatrist Ethan Cross of the University of Michigan, found that using Facebook may even make us miserable.  Again, different social media platforms, but same results.   Impact Cell Phones have on Teen Life Ask any teenager about the loss of their cell phone and at least half of them would tell you their social life would end or be worsened. Most teens will tell you that their mobile device improves their life and they couldn’t imagine a life without it.
  • A majority of teens view their cell phone as the key to their social life.
  • Second only to clothing, teens say, a person’s cell phone tells the most about their social status or popularity, outranking jewelry, watches and shoes.
Teens say texting has advantages over talking because it offers more options, including multitasking, speed, the option to avoid verbal communication, and because it is fun. Teens can text blindfolded – can you? We as a society of parents having never been “on” all the time and connected have to understand that we are raising kids that are living at a time where they are constantly ‘on’ and connected. I would encourage any parent to explore ways to encourage or even mandate ‘off’ time, not just away from social media sites, but away from all devices. That is probably good advice for all of us. Our youth today live 24 hours with their cell phones by their side. They sleep with their cell phone at their head because they don’t want to miss something. The excuse I hear from parents is that their kids use their cell phone as an alarm clock. I understand, but that is an excuse. In the middle of the night they wake up and look at their phone. This is taking them out of that deep level four sleep. Now they want to check for texts, messages, instagram, snapchat, or any other social media outlets they are on. This is leading to losing sleep and being tired because they’re not getting the adequate sleep they need; and we want to make the school day start later? Let’s address the problem and not enable the situation. Let’s not even address nutrition and physical activity that is depriving today’s youth as well. Take the phones away at bedtime and get them a cheap $15 alarm clock that shows time. Teen Depression The age of teens 13 – 19 is an unsettling time, with the many physical, emotional, psychological and social changes that accompany this stage of life. This is where you need to watch out for teen depression. Ups and downs are a regular part of life. However, sometimes “down” periods last longer than usual. This is usually a result of chemicals in the brain, called neurotransmitters, being out of balance. Among teens, depression can be a very real problem. Experts estimate that teen depression strikes about one out of eight teenagers. Teen depression can come on as a result of chemical changes in the brain due to stress or even hormonal changes. No matter how teenage depression occurs it’s important to get help restoring the brain’s chemical balance, as prolonged depression can lead to self-destructive behaviors including risk taking, cutting, self-harm, substance abuse and even suicide. Symptoms of teen depression There are several symptoms of teen depression. Among them are:
  • Withdrawing from family and friends
  • Losing interest in social and extracurricular activities
  • Lack of energy
  • Feeling tired most of the time
  • Anxiety
  • Irritability
  • Anger
  • Feelings of sadness for much of the time
  • Significant weight fluctuations
  • Sleep pattern changes
  • Physical pains and aches, or sickness, even though there is nothing physically wrong
  • Indifference about the future
  • Afraid of being a burden
  • Uncharacteristic pessimism
  • Guilty feelings
  • Lowering self-esteem
  • Suicidal thoughts
While these symptoms can be experienced by nearly everyone at some point in life, it is important to be able to tell teen depression apart from the normal roller coaster of life. A general rule of thumb for recognizing teenage depression is that five or more symptoms will persist without break for more than two weeks.   Major types of Teen Depression There are two main types of teen depression. These include: Major depression: This type of teen depression is of short duration, although it is quite severe. It is possible to have a bout of severe depression, feel fine for a few months (or even years), and then have another bout. For teens, though, even one bout of severe depression can feel as though it will never end and prompt a suicide attempt. Dysthymia: Dysthymia lasts much longer than major depression, and the feelings are not as severe. Some teens have this low level depression that plagues them for years without having it diagnosed. This type of depression can also lead to teen suicide if the teenager becomes discouraged with never feeling happy. Another type of teen depression has to do with life changes. It is called adjustment disorder with depressed mood, and it can be the result of the death of a loved one, divorce, moving to a different town, or even changing schools. This, too, can lead to teen suicide if the teenager feels hopeless, and that the feeling will never end.   Treatment for Teen Depression Teen depression can be treated and (Suicide Prevention Training is available), before lasting damage is done in the form of self-medicating (through substance abuse) or even teen suicide. Every teenager is different, however. For some teens, therapy alone works well, while for others, medication is needed. Most teens respond favorably to a combination of therapy and medication. However, it is important to realize that medication can become habit forming, and that it should only be used while under a doctor’s care, and only as directed.   Teen Suicide Teen suicide is a very real issue today in the United States. As parents and educators we need not shy away from this subject. We are dealing with an epidemic and by talking about it we can help save a life or more. In order to prevent teen suicide, it is vital to recognize what leads to it, and then treat the causes. National Institute of Mental Health believes that as many as 25 suicides are attempted for each one that is completed. That means that for every teen suicide that you hear of, there are probably at least 25 suicide attempts made. And this does not even cover the teenage suicide attempts and completed suicides that are never heard about. Understanding that a teen suicide attempt is a call for help is essential in preventing a completed attempt later. Many attempts are calls for help and lead to living a fulfilling and meaningful life years later. Teenagers experience strong feelings of stress, confusion, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, being a burden, and other fears while growing up. For some teenagers, divorce, the formation of a new family with step-parents and step-siblings, or moving to a new community can be very unsettling and can intensify self-doubts. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems and stress. The reality is SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT ACTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM! Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable mental disorders. The child or adolescent needs to have his or her illness recognized and diagnosed, and appropriate treatment plans developed. When parents are in doubt whether their child has a serious problem, a psychiatric examination can be very helpful. Many of the signs and symptoms of suicidal feelings are similar to those of depression. Learn how to identify, question, persuade, and refer a student or person in need . . . Visit www.JeffYalden.com/suicide-prevention-training   Teen suicide statistics and gender Teen suicide statistics draw a correlation between gender and suicide. It is interesting to note that there are some very clear indications that suicide is different for males and females, attempted and completed suicides alike. For example, males are four times more likely to die from suicide than females. However, teen girls are more likely than teen boys to attempt suicide. So, even though teenage girls make more attempts on their own lives than teenage boys, the boys are more likely to actually complete a suicide attempt. They do not allow for intervention, and are less likely to “call for help” through a suicide attempt, since there is often little opportunity to get males into treatment since their suicide completion rate is higher than that of females.   Causes of teen suicide There are several different factors that may lead a teenager to take his or her life, but the most common is depression. Feelings of hopelessness and anxiety, along with feelings of being trapped in a life that one can’t handle, are very real contributors to teen suicide. In some cases, teenagers believe that suicide is the only way to solve their problems. The pressures of life seem too much to cope with, and some teenagers look at suicide as a welcome escape. Other factors that may contribute to teen suicide include:
  • Divorce of parents
  • Violence in the home
  • Inability to find success at school
  • Feelings of worthlessness
  • Rejection by friends or peers
  • Substance abuse
  • Death of someone close to the teenager
  • The suicide of a friend or someone he or she “knows” online
  • Disappointment
  Signs that your teenager may attempt suicide It is important to be on the look out for signs that your teen may attempt suicide. What is so difficult about some of these warning signs of teen suicide is that some of them are similar to normal adolescent behavior. The teenage years are a trying time, and sometimes, normal behavior looks a lot like possibly destructive behavior. But it doesn’t hurt to look into the following warning signs of teen suicide:
  • Talks about death and/or suicide (maybe even with a joking manner)
  • Plans ways to kill him or herself
  • Expresses worries that nobody cares about him or her
  • Has attempted suicide in the past
  • Dramatic changes in personality and behavior
  • Withdraws from interacting with friends and family
  • Shows signs of depression
  • Shows signs of a substance abuse problem
  • Begins to act recklessly and engage in risk-taking behaviors
  • Begins to give away sentimental possessions
  • Spends time online interacting with people who glamorize suicide and maybe even form suicide pacts
It is possible to get professional help in preventing teen suicide. Indeed, this is a preferred option. If you are concerned about your teenager, talk to your child’s doctor about the available options and therapies for teen depression. You should see someone immediately (and never leave your teen alone) if you suspect that a suicide attempt is imminent. Some things you might try include:
  • Counseling – This can be done individually or as a family. Techniques allow your teenager to learn to cope with life. Often, when a teen learns how to handle problems (and families learn how to help), the desire to kill him or herself dissipates.
  • Residential treatment – This is treatment in which a suicidal teen goes elsewhere to live for a time. This can be a special treatment facility, or it can be a therapeutic boarding school. In these settings, the teenager is monitored 24/7 in order to prevent a suicide attempt. Additionally, most residential treatment facilities have trained professional staff that can help a suicidal teen.
  • Medication – This is often seen as a last resort, or as something complementary to other treatments. It is important to note that in some teenagers, medication can have the opposite effect desired; some studies show that for some teens anti-depressants actually increase the chance of teen suicide. Carefully consider your teen’s needs before medicating.
It is important to treat your child with respect and understanding. Show your unconditional love, and offer emotional support. It is important that a teen considering suicide feel loved and wanted. Show your teenager that it is possible to overcome life’s challenges, and make sure that he or she knows that you are willing to help out. If you are interested in Suicide Prevention Training for Schools, Teachers, Community or Military Professionals, please visit www.JeffYalden.com/suicide-prevention-training and we will be glad to come out and train your staff members on how to identify, question, persuade, and refer a person they might suspect to be suicidal. Please read . . .

Two Kansas high school friends, fellow soccer players, commit suicide 48 hours apart

  Who is Jeff Yalden? Jeff Yalden is a youth motivational speaker and facilitator of Suicide Prevention Trainings. Jeff has worked with youth, educators, and families for 23 years. He’s the author of Your Life Matters, a radio show host of The Jeff Yalden Show and has a Podcast – Encouraging Parents & Inspiring Teens. Since 1992, Jeff has traveled 50 states and 48 countries mesmerizing teen audiences with his heartfelt message about Love, Life, and Living. He’s delivered his talk in over 4,000 high schools and middle schools, colleges and universities. He’s been the keynote speaker for hundreds of leadership conferences talking to teens about personal leadership and your influence on others. Jeff Yalden is an advocate for mental health and teen depression. Being a person that has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, bi-polar type 2, and PTSD, Jeff is passionate about sharing his story and inspiring those in a position to help and inspire others. Jeff is engaging, charismatic, and real. Your community will be delighted to host Jeff for your teens and parents or a Staff In-Service Training on how to identify, question, persuade, and refer a potential suicidal student to get help. Your audience will laugh, think, and reflect, but ultimately they will leave cheering themselves and their kids on. For more information, visit www.JeffYalden.com. and www.JeffYalden.com/suicide-prevention-training.

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