Teen Suicide: Helping your Teen Cope with the Sudden Death of a Friend

June 9, 2016 by Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker Leave a Comment

Teen Suicide . . . A Message to Parents!

Teen Suicide Expert – Jeff Yalden

Teen Suicide seems to be happening more and more in communities all over the country. Teens want answers, Parents are overreacting, Schools are getting blamed, and everyone wants action and a plan now. The greatest influence on our teens at the time of a teen suicide is the role a parent plays in their lives and especially at this very moment under these tragic circumstances. Parents, with their greater life experiences and wisdom, can place the events in a child’s life in its proper context or perspective. Teens look to adults for an interpretation of events, and measure the meaning of it, including the degree of danger they are in, by the reaction of their parents and other adults around them. It is critical that our teens are able to maintain a positive view of the world and a positive opinion of themselves in spite of the circumstances.

The Grieving Process:

Grieving is a natural and temporary response to an important loss. People do not respond to a death related loss in any particular stage, progression, or pace. Some believe that the process is more like a roller-coaster type pattern in which waves of various emotions are experienced. It is important to encourage children to cry if they feel sad. It can be said that when we feel really sad, letting ourselves cry is as important to our mental health as is eating when we are hungry, drinking when we are thirsty, and sleeping when we are tired.

Most individuals return to their regular routines within one to three days. Yet a sustained period of bereavement may last four to six weeks. An intermittent patters of bereavement continues in the form of painful thoughts and feelings which often resurface in the future more intensely at birth and death dates, holidays and special events, places or other experiences that are reminders of the deceased. Memories of the deceased may change or diminish over time but the deceased friend will not be forgotten.

Common Reactions to the Death of a Friend:

In addition to sadness, it is common for people to feel confusion, fear, anger, self-blame and guilt. Other common reactions include feelings of loneliness, a sense of responsibility or regret, reminders and dreams of the deceased, concentration difficulties, minor sleeping difficulties and mild somatic complaints.

Suicide Prevention in Schools

What Can Parents Do?

A parent’s emotional response to a grieving teen can reduce the emotional effect or make it worse for the teen.

Here are suggested parental responses: Be physically present, show warmth and compassion, be patient, allow the teen to talk about it, listen carefully, acknowledge feelings, show an understanding of what happened, give reasonable reassurance and follow through on promises and agreements made. Teens will try to make some sense of what happened and it is important for them to come to a resolution about the event. Carefully challenge any negative conclusions and reinforce the positive ones.
The following parental behaviors can be harmful: Focus on self instead of the teen, deny the seriousness of the event, shrug off the teen’s feelings, tell the teen not to think or talk about it, make assumptions, overreact with anxiety or anger, withdraw from the teen, or make major changes in the normal household activities and routines.

Reactions to be concerned about:

Some teens, because of their emotional proximity to the death event, may be more prone to develop the psychological symptoms of Major Depression. There are two causes for Major Depression. One is the result of a neuro-chemical imbalance in the brain. The other results from an experience such as a significant loss. Your teen may have Major Depression if the following five (or more) symptoms have been present during the same two week period:

Feeling really unhappy, sad or empty inside most of the day, nearly every day

(-or-)

An obvious loss of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, friends and activities most of the day, nearly every day

(Plus 4 or more of the following)

Weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (more than 5% of body weight in a month)
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much nearly every day
Slowness of thought, speech and activity or extreme agitation/restlessness
Feelings of low energy or fatigue nearly every day
Feeling hopeless, worthless, shame or a lot of guilt nearly every day
Difficulty concentrating, making basic decisions and doing school work nearly every day
Frequent thoughts of death or suicide

Other undesirable reactions include denial, social alienation, escape from reminders of the deceased, numbing of feelings, ex. using drugs or alcohol, hostility or antisocial activities, a preoccupation or fascination with death and unnecessary risk taking behaviors.

If you are concerned about your teen you may want to contact your family physician, or a psychologist or social worker in your teen’s school or community.

Family and Teenagers: Common Problems and Solutions

July 23, 2015 by Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker Leave a Comment

Being a parent of a teenager can be very challenging, distressing, and sometimes worrying. Many teenagers tend to push against the system in an attempt to gain a sense of independence; making parents feel criticized, rejected and confused. This can cause many problems within the family as emotions are high and there is a constant power struggle between the teenager and parents.

It is very important for parents to understand what is going on inside the mind and the body of the teenager.

Understanding Teenagers

The average teenager’s body transforms at an alarming rate. This is, by the way, one of the main reasons why they sleep a lot.

As their hormones move and surge, both the brain and the body respond in a different way. For instance, these hormones cause their emotions to go on a rollercoaster ride – this is why they have so many mood swings.

Boys for instance, have to deal with a sharp surge of testosterone in their bodies while girls endure high estrogen levels. Hormones however, are only a small part of the entire story.

Tips for Coping with Teenagers

Keeping these biological changes in mind, it is very important for parents to be understanding and supportive during these critical times.

Here are some tips for you to better cope with your teenager.

Be there for them – Contrary to what it seems, your child does want you to be there for them. Just give them a little time and let them handle the situation at their own pace.
Reassure them – Many teenagers easily get scared by all the transformation that takes place including physical and biological. It is very important that you reassure them from time to time that everything is perfectly normal and that they have nothing to worry about.
Be consistent with discipline – According to research, consistent boundaries that respect a teenager’s limits are the best way to provide them a sense of security whilst they are handling their inner turmoil.
Be approving and supportive – A number of studies have confirmed that both girls and boys have a high level of self-esteem in their adolescence if they believe they have the approval and support of their family.
Be patient – Patience is key to solving such problems. Parents have to be patient with the random outbursts of their teenagers and the mood swings. Impatient parents only make matters worse for themselves and their children.
Be honest – Being supportive for your teenager does not mean that you sacrifice your own emotions and life. There will be times when you yourself will be feeling low. Be honest and upfront and tell your teenager how you feel. This will tell them that it is perfectly fine not to be perfect.
Be hopeful – Give your teenager hope that everything will pass and things will turn to be just fine. Hope goes a long way in encouraging them to cope with their mental and physical changes.

** Jeff Yalden is a teen and family communicator and motivator. As a youth motivational speaker, Jeff is highly regarded as the Teen Whisperer when it comes to teens and mental health, suicide and teen depression. If you are interested in Jeff visiting your high school, middle school, and parent/community, please visit www.JeffYalden.com. Also, please visit www.NotTheSolution.com for Teen Depression and Teen Suicide if you know of a teen that is hurting.

Mental Health of Teenagers: Danger Signs

April 12, 2015 by Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker Leave a Comment

Celebrity Teen & Family Life Coach

Adolescence is not easy. It affects not only the teenager but also parents. The former undergoes many changes, including sexual, physical, hormonal, emotional, intellectual, and social – the combined pressures of all these changes can often become overwhelming for them and may lead to a number of mental health issues.

Mental health problems are a major concern as some can be life threatening. Here are a few guidelines for parents and caretakers to positively identify any mental health issues that their children may be suffering from.

Mental Health Problems Are Treatable

First of all, it is imperative to understand that mental health conditions can be treated. You can speak to a pediatrician, the local health department, the school’s representatives, and health care professionals regarding the treatment options available to you.

Keeping an Eye Open: Danger Signs to Look Out For

Excessive sleeping that is beyond the typical teenage fatigue. This could indicate substance abuse or depression.

Loss of self-esteem
Unexpected decline in their academic performance
Loss of appetite and weight loss
Significant personality shifts, such as excessive anger and aggressiveness

Key Mental Health Issues

Some of the key mental health issues that teens need to be monitored for are:

Depression
Eating disorders
Drug abuse

Depression

While every human being experiences the ‘blues’, depression is something far more serious and requires immediate attention. Some of the symptoms to watch out for are:

Changes in the sleeping patterns
Excessive moodiness and/or unexpected weeping
Eating habits that cause weight gain/loss
Excessive secrecy or paranoia
Self-mutilation
Excessive isolation
Abandonment of social groups and friends
Obsessive concerns for body image

Eating disorders

Depression can often cause eating disorders. The following conditions may be a result of such disorders:

Anorexia – averting food and significant changes in their eating habits.
Bulimia – forced vomiting after eating food. You need to be on the lookout for significant weight loss without any changes in their eating habits.

Drug Abuse

Peer pressure combined with mental issues can be very forceful in leading adolescents in trying out different drugs, including alcohol. In addition to knowing the physical and behavioral signs of drug abuse, parents and caretakers should also:

Stay alert for abuse of prescription drugs: According to AAP, abuse of prescription drugs stands second after alcohol and marijuana abuse. Vicodin and Xanax are the most commonly abused drugs.

Understand that over-the-counter (OTC) drugs can also be abused. Teenagers often misuse cough and cold medications that contain sedatives.

If you have any concerns regarding the health of your child – both mental and physical – you should first address your child. Opening the channels of communication is a great way that can pave way for a better understanding between you and them.

If this does not work, then it is strongly recommended that professional health care staff be involved along with school management in order to control the situation before it gets any worse.

For more information about Mental Health and Teens, contact your school about inviting Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker and Celebrity Teen & Family Life Coach to your community to speak to the middle school and high school students and to speak to the parents about teens today and the emotions plaguing our youth. Visit www.JeffYalden.com for more informative information. Suicide Prevention in our teens? Text HELPMYFRIEND to 33444 and together we can save lives. Visit www.NotTheSolution.com.

Depression – The Common Cold

January 22, 2015 by Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker Leave a Comment

“If you only knew how I feel!” I know many people who suffer from depression echo these words every day.

What is depression and how do we deal with it everyday? First, depression is a condition we deal with. It’s not who a person is. Depression is a flaw in the brains chemistry, not a person’s character.

If you are suffering from depression you’ll understand this:

“You wake up only to want to go back to bed. You think nobody understands your feelings and thoughts, or what you are going through. “Just do it!”, people say. As if it were that easy. You try and get ready, but your extremities feel like they’re weighted and moving is a chore. You are totally numb and anything you’ve once enjoyed, you seem to have lost total interest.

You want to be alone. You want people to be with you, but you don’t. You want people to understand, but they can’t. How can they when YOU don’t even understand? You’re just numb! Numb to life. You’re emotionally not present. It’s like you are drowning yet you look around and everyone is breathing life. You avoid friends, you end up hurting relationships, make bad financial choices, and you see life speeding by, but you are left standing on the sideline.

Depression is a constant feeling of being numb. Numb to emotions. Days aren’t really days when you are depressed; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced, but end up being avoided. How do you face each day? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting? When you are depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day. That is what depression is. It’s not sadness or tears; it’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.”

I am Jeff Yalden, and although this is how I feel much of the time, I am a professional in the mental health field working with teens, parents, and educators. I suffer from depression myself. Anxiety too! While I am sharing this with you, I’ll just let it all out. I am diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and PTSD. I am fully aware of who I am and the triggers that effect my mood swings. I regularly see a counselor and am close with my doctors and medication. Thank you! I am proud to have a platform where I can openly share who I am, not just what I do.

I have a message for you:

It doesn’t have to be like this. There is help and there is a better way to live with depression. Please read and if this is you, I encourage you to lose your ego and open your heart to a medical professional and get help immediately.

Clinical depression is more than just the “blues,” being “down in the dumps,” or experiencing temporary feelings of sadness we all have from time to time. Depression is a serious condition that affects the mind and body. It impacts all aspects of everyday life including eating, sleeping, working, relationships, and how a person thinks of himself/herself. People who are clinically depressed can’t just “snap out of it.” If not treated by a professional the symptoms can continue for weeks, months, and even years.

The good news is that there are very effective treatments to help those who are depressed. However, only about one third of those that are depressed actually receive treatment. This is very sad because reports say that upwards of 80-90% of those that seek treatment feel better within weeks.

For a variety of reasons many people don’t seek treatment. Some believe that depression is the result of a personal weakness or character flaw. Like diabetes, heart disease, or any other medical condition, clinical depression is an illness that should be treated by a mental health professional or physician. Another reason why many people do not seek help for depression is that they simply do not recognize the signs or symptoms that something may be wrong.

Depression, also known as “The Common Cold” of mental illness not only causes suffering to those who are depressed, but it also causes great pain for their family and friends who often do not know how to help.

Types of Depression

Major Depressive Disorder – This impairs a person’s ability to work, sleep, eat, and function as he or she normally would. It keeps people from enjoying activities that were once pleasurable, and causes them to think about themselves and the world in negative ways. Major depression is often disabling and may occur several times in a person’s life.

Dysthmic Disorder – Pronounced (Dis-Thy-mia). This is a milder yet more enduring type of major depression. People with dysthymia may appear to be chronically mildly depressed to the point that is seems to be a part of their personality. When a person finally seeks treatment for dysthymia, it is not uncommon that he/she has struggled with this condition for a number of years.

Bipolar Disorder – Also knows as manic-depression or manic-depressive disorder. This condition is characterized by mood that alternated between periods of depression and periods of elation and excitable behavior knows as mania. For people who have bipolar disorder, the depressions can be severe and the mania can seriously impair one’s normal judgement. When manic, a person is prone towards reckless and inapropriate behavior such as engaging in wild spending sprees or having promiscuous sex. He or she may not be able to realize the harm of his/her behavior and may even lose touch with reality.

Cyclothymic Disorder – Milder yet more enduring type of bipolar disorder. A person’s mood alternates between a less severe mania (known as hypomania) and a less severe depression.

Mood Disorder – General Medical Condition – Depression may be caused or precipitated by a known or unknown physical medical condition such as hypothyroidism.

Substance – Induced Mood Disorder – Depression may be caused or precipitated by the use or abuse of substances such as drugs, alcohol, medications, or toxins.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – This condition affects people during specific times or seasons of the year. During winter months individuals feel depressed and lethargic, but during other months their moods may be normal.

Postpartum Depression – A rare form of depression occurring in women within one week to six months after giving birth.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder – This is an uncommon type of depression affecting a small percentage of menstruating woman. It is a cyclical condition in which women may feel depressed and irritable for one or two weeks before their menstrual period each month.

Adjustment Disorder – Another common type of depression has to do with life changes. Adjustment disorder causes depressed mood, and it can be the result of the death of a loved one, divorce, moving to a different town, or even changing schools.

Symptoms of Depression

People who are depressed or manic may not experience all of the following symptoms. Some will have many symptoms. Some will have just a few. The severity of symptoms will be different for each individuals and will vary over time.

If you are experiencing some of these symptoms or if you have questions about whether you may be depressed or manic, you should consult with your physician or a qualified mental health professional. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, or has made plans to do so, you should seek the help of a mental health professional, call your physician, or call 911.

There are several symptoms of depression. Among them are:

Withdrawing from family and friends
Losing interest in social and extracurricular activities
Lack of energy
Feeling tired most of the time
Anxiety
Irritability
Anger
Feelings of sadness for much of the time
Significant weight fluctuations
Sleep pattern changes
Physical pains and aches, or sickness, even though there is nothing physically wrong
Indifference about the future
Afraid of being a burden
Uncharacteristic pessimism
Guilty feelings
Lowering self-esteem
Suicidal thoughts

While these symptoms can be experienced by nearly everyone at some point in life, it is important to be able to tell depression apart from the normal roller coaster of life.

** A general rule of thumb for recognizing depression is that five or more symptoms will persist without break for more than two weeks.

Treatment for Depression

Depression can be treated. If you are self medicating through substance abuse, over the counter medications, alcohol, cutting or self harm, please speak to a medical professional as soon as possible. Getting help requires you to pick up the phone and make an appointment. Within a couple of weeks you will feel better and you’ll be thankful you made this decision.

Everybody is different. For some, therapy alone works well, while for others, medication is needed. Most people respond favorably to a combination of therapy and medication. However, it is important to realize that medication can become habit forming, and that it should only be used while under a doctor’s care, and only as directed.

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Jeff Yalden is a motivational speaker who speaks to nearly 250,000 people each year in high schools, middle schools, and parent / community presentations. Jeff specializes in teen depression, mental health, and talking to parents about teens and technology – cell phones and the use of social media. Jeff is an expert on the relationship between parents and teenagers and bridges the gap between the two. For more information on Jeff Yalden, please visit www.JeffYalden.com. There you will find out about Jeff’s TV Show coming up, his Radio Show, books, and Podcast. Also, visit Jeff Yalden on YouTube and watch his videos.

Parenting – Unconditional Love & Support

January 5, 2015 by Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker Leave a Comment

For 23 years, I have worked with teens and parents in multiple capacities – speaking engagements, television, life coaching, intervention, and coaching. It’s been an honor and a privilege to have found myself in this field of work.

Over the past 10 days, I have had the opportunity to sit back and read the sad and unfortunate circumstances in regards to the loss of Leelah Alcorn, the transgender from Ohio that committed suicide. I sit back and reflect as a parent and think who am I to judge. We all have opinions.

I certainly am not and haven’t been a perfect parent or role model. I’ve made my mistakes and have been judged. I’ve had my successes and been applauded. As I age, I continually learn so much and look back and learn from the lessons I’ve lived knowing what I did wrong and how I could have done better. Being healthy and balanced in my heart and head has been a journey with counseling and my relationship with God. Everyday, I try and be a man that lives a positive life and supports and loves unconditionally my inner circle of people and my family. What exactly does that mean though? Through anything will I love unconditionally? Through anything will I support unconditionally? My opinion depends on the circumstances and personally, I have dealt with many circumstances to have learned from and to where I now teach from. Life’s lessons have certainly made me who I am and who I am today is a much better communicator and motivator as a result of experience and age. I think this is the case for us all.

When I look at the situation from Leelah Alcorn and I think, “What if that were my child?” First, I want to hope that I would have been closer to “her”, and to know that my son, “Joshua”, that I brought into the world was having emotional issues that I needed to understand. Then, regardless of how I felt or how I thought, I wanted to do what is right as a parent and what is right and best for my child. In this circumstance, I would unconditionally love and support my child, “Leelah”, and embrace her. No question! When it comes to sexuality, my child being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, this is my child and I will love and support my child. I would act from my heart even if this challenged my faith.

Where does that love and support change? What if my child was addicted to meth, heroine, crack-cocaine, prescription drugs, or alcohol? How would I respond then? Completely different situation because now I am dealing with an addiction that is different than an emotion. Having dealt with addiction and seen it firsthand, I have come to learn that to enable a behavior is to hurt the person more than you could be helping the person. I am not one to enable anyone. Personally, I think we’ve become a society that is failing our children because we are trying to hard to protect them from failure and mistakes. We can’t shelter our children from the real world. I feel that we as parents, teachers, coaches, and counselors it is our responsibility to teach our youth and children about personal responsibility and accountability. Teach them that life isn’t easy. Life is hard. Life isn’t fair. Life will never be fair. Tough love? Perhaps! Put the responsibility where it belongs. This doesn’t change the fact that I love my child unconditionally, it just changes that I am not going to support the behavior which is a result of the addiction. This is choices versus consequences.

If my child chooses to get help, I am supportive and there through the process every step of the way. If the addiction is stronger than the desire and my child isn’t getting help and tearing apart the family – stealing, fighting, disrespecting, etc. I will not tolerate that and I will put boundaries on the relationship. I will let my child hit rock bottom. You can’t over parent addiction. Addiction needs the help of professionals and in my opinion it needs to be dealt with in residential care. I am not supporting the behavior, but this doesn’t change my love which still is unconditional.

The point I am trying to make is that as parents we need to look at every situation differently and deal with the situation at hand. Many families have issues within the walls of their home. Don’t let your neighbors influence your parenting. Don’t try and be the almighty perfect family because you’re living a life protected by a facade. You brought your children in the world and society has an influence on them – the music, media, marketing. Nature verse nurture, too. Your faith has an influence on your morals and values, but is that more important that the circumstances at hand? Sometimes we need to change and pray about it, but what is important here is that our child knows we unconditionally love them no matter what. The support may never be understood, but that is parenting. Parenting everyday is never understood.

In the case of Leelah Alcorn, I think the demise of her death is very sad and didn’t need to happen. She didn’t feel love nor she didn’t feel support. That is sad. She left saying, “Let my death mean something!” I want to honor that. What does her death mean to you as a parent in how you love and support your child? Whether it is grades, sports, friends, sexuality, drugs, or anything else. How are you going to show your child your support and love? How are you going to parent and teach? What message do you want your child to get? Parenting is about being a part of your children’s lives and knowing who they are and being there for them in the good times and the bad times. It’s being their inspiration and the disciplinarian. It’s listening and offering advice and support. It’s correcting actions and behaviors, too. Parenting isn’t easy. Nobody every said it was. You will fail and cry, because you did things wrong. You will laugh and applaud, because you did things right, too. To judge yourself daily as a parent is to be expecting too much of yourself and trying to be the “Perfect” parent. You are a family and that is what is most important.

In the end, I want my children to know I love them and I’ll support them. I may not support their choices and decisions, but I will listen. They need to know that I will give tough love when I have to. I will not enable them because enabling is setting up our youth, whether our children, our students, our athletes, whomever, for failure and a life of hurt. I want to be a role model and let my actions speak louder than my parenting. I want them to be happy, but what does happy really mean? I want them to be good and to do what is right, but who is to say, “What is really right?” I hope in the end, my children grow up and become young people that that live a life of meaning, live a life of fulfillment, and are rewarded for who they are, how they live, and in the manner in which they’ve lived – as a result of what I may have taught them.

Just my thoughts . . .

Who is Jeff Yalden

Jeff Yalden is a Teen and Family Communicator. A Suicide Prevention Specialist and a Teen Motivational Speaker. He is the author of “Your Life Matters.” Jeff is the Host of “The Jeff Yalden Show”, on WMRC 1490 Radio and his Podcast for teens and parents can be found at www.JeffYalden.com/itunes. Follow Jeff on Social Media @JeffYalden and visit his website at www.JeffYalden.com.

Texting Acronyms for Parents of Teens

January 2, 2015 by Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker Leave a Comment

Warning: Can be shocking to some!

Your kid has something to hide

CD9: Short for “Code 9,” which means parents are around.

KPC: Keeping Parents Clueless

MOS: Mom Over Shoulder

P911: Parent Alert

PAL: Parents Are Listening

PAW: Parents Are Watching

PIR: Parent In Room

POS: Parent Over Shoulder

Your kid’s personal information or safety is at risk

ASL: Age/Sex/Location

F2F: Face to Face. Asking for a meeting or video chat

LMIRL: Let’s Meet In Real Life

NAZ: Name/Address/ZIP

MOOS: Member of the Opposite Sex

MOSS: Member of the Same Sex

MORF or RUMORF: Male or Female, or Are Your Male or Female?

RU/18: Are You Over 18?

WUF: Where You From?

WYCM: Will You Call Me?

WYRN: What’s Your Real Name?

Your kid shouldn’t be involved in this

143, 459 or ILU: I love you

1174: Invited to a wild party

420: Marijuana

GNOC: Get Naked On Cam

GYPO: Get Your Pants Off

AMEZRU: I Am Easy, Are You?

IWSN: I Want Sex Now

KFY or K4Y: Kiss For You

KOTL: Kiss On The Lips

NIFOC: Nude In Front Of The Computer

RUH: Are You Horny?

TDTM: Talk Dirty To Me

Not every acronym is bad

BRB: Be Right Back

CWYL: Chat With You Later

CYT: See You Tomorrow

IMHO: In My Humble Opinion

IMNSHO: In My Not So Humble Opinion

L8R: Later

LMK: Let Me Know

NM: Never Mind

ROTFL: Rolling On The Floor Laughing

SOHF: Sense Of Humor Failure

If you’re curious about another acronym that you’ve stumbled across in your kids’ texts or chat, look it up on NetLingo. It has a continually updating list of online acronyms, along with their various meanings and origins.

As any parent will tell you, dealing with teenagers and preteens is a fine balancing act. You want to give them freedom to explore, but you also need to keep tabs on what they’re doing. Click here for 5 dangerous apps you don’t know your kid is using.

I recommend friending or following your kids on any sites they use. If they know you’re watching, they’re less likely to do something they shouldn’t. Plus, you can keep an eye to make sure they aren’t revealing information they shouldn’t or talking to people who aren’t safe.

Of course, you never know what sites they might be using that you don’t know about. That’s where monitoring and tracking apps and software come in handy. You can keep tabs on everything they do online.

Just be sure to communicate with your kids about why certain sites are bad so they can grow into responsible digital citizens. In fact, you should start before they’re teens with my 10 Commandments for Kids Online. It’s a contract between you and your child about the do’s and don’ts of our digital life.

Jeff Yalden is a youth motivational speaker and celebrity teen and family life coach. Visit Jeff at www.JeffYalden.com.

My Death Needs To Mean Something

January 2, 2015 by Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker Leave a Comment

“My Death Needs to Mean Something!” – Leelah Alcorn

Five Facts You Need to Know – Leelah Alcorn

Suicide is never the answer! Her message could have been heard louder and longer had she been supported by her family with unconditional love and support. We could have used her voice, not her death by suicide.

My name is Jeff Yalden. I am a Suicide Prevention Trainer and Celebrity Teen & Family Life Coach having worked with families and teens for 23 years. Teen Suicide touches my heart because I was there at 16 years old and 21 years old. Today, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar Type 2 and PTSD. This is my work and my passion.

The point I want to make in this blog is about unconditional love and support in regards to Leelah and her needs not being met. I understand unconditional love. I also understand supporting your child under different circumstances. This particular issue is about how I feel when your child has emotional issues, is gay or lesbian, bisexual or transgender. In my professional opinion, the parents should have been open and understanding where their daughter needed their support and didn’t get it. Leelah needed the love and affection from her parents and family and if her parents and family chose their faith and their religious views over the needs of their daughter then they failed their daughter. That is the bottom line. I am saying “If”, because I don’t want to speculate any further about conversations within their walls of their home. In the end, this is very sad and unfortunate.

Being a teenager is hard enough. Growing up in today’s world where we are on and worried about being judged by our peers is hard enough. Having to be accepted and fit in is an everyday challenge. Then, having to grow up and dealing with everyday teenager stuff and NOT having the support of our family is unfathomable and ultimately is the cause of Leelah’s decision to end her life. Her cries for help weren’t answered and they weren’t taken seriously. Read her posts . . . (Here). This is what Leelah says. In regards to her family all I am reading is that they are still referring to their daughter as “He”, “Him”, and I don’t think they are respecting her wishes.

Read the latest article . . . (Here) – It’s more disturbing and speaks loudly about the challenges she faced. Again, I don’t know what the family knew or how deep her pain and needs for love and acceptance were.

She was only 17 years old. Born Joshua Alcorn, a boy and at the age of four, he felt he was a girl trapped in a boy’s body. Her cries for help weren’t supported by her devout Christian parents who forced her to go to conversion therapy, which seeks to change sexual orientation through counseling. This practice has been banned in two states on grounds it is medically unfounded and puts children in danger.

The argument on the internet now is whether or not the parents should be help responsible (Dan Savage) and charged. Could this suicide have been prevented if the parents were more open-minded? Sure, I think so! The message is greater than what will happen to the parents. The message needs to be heard by all parents and teens suffering emotionally and spiritually. Listen to your childs needs and desires. Open your heart to understanding that today’s teens and youth are different then when we as parents were growing up. Listen to them and understand them. Support them and embrace them in their journey.

(** Again, I am referring to this particular issue. Whereas, if your child is struggling with addiction to drugs or alcohol then I have a whole different take and belief as to the role of a parent and supporting their child. You can love them unconditionally, but to support them is going to be different. I am more tough love in this case. Another blog post about the difference in circumstances and the role of a parent in supporting and unconditionally loving their children.)

First and foremost, there is difference between unconditionally loving and supporting your child. To unconditionally love your child, but not support your child is not unconditionally loving your child. It is loving your child conditionally. To love your child unconditionally is to love and support your child, children, spouse, partner, or friend(s) for the person they are or choose to be. Think of it as how your dog loves you. Your dog doesn’t judge you. Your dog is always waiting to greet you. Your dog loves you more than your dog loves itself. You might not agree with the sexual orientation of your child or how they dress, but you support them unconditionally and lovingly accept them (period!) In my opinion, the parents didn’t do this and that is where I think they failed their daughter leading to her suicide.

In Leelah’s case, she was convinced for many years she was a girl living in a boy’s body. That should have been addressed – Meet her needs first before getting her to understand the families morals and values. As Dr. Stephen Covey says in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

leelah-joshua-alcorn-suicide-note-1-copy

Suicide Note left by Leelah Alcorn

I don’t feel that scorning the parents is the answer. What does that do now? The parents are grieving and have to live with this the rest of their lives. Suicide may have freed Leelah from the pain, but now her pain is transferred to her parents and they have to live with their inner conscience of what they did right or did wrong as parents. They will pray and ask God for forgiveness as we should forgive them as quickly as society is judging them right now. This is a lesson for all parents in raising their children. Listen to the cries of your children. If you are not, you are failing your children.

The parents wanted Leelah to be the Joshua they named him at birth. They wanted their child to be the perfect straight Christian little boy they had hoped he’d be. Well, at age four Leelah was conflicted. She was a girl living in a boy’s body, she says. Why wasn’t her feelings and emotions respected? Why wasn’t this supported through counseling and help? Conversion therapy isn’t the answer to a young lady at in her preteen years to 17 years old. The parents failed by not listening to the cries of their daughter. Parents fail their children everyday by not listening to the cries of their children.

Using death to send a message is never the answer. The message is heard for a few weeks, but then life resumes and suddenly we will speak less and less about transgender and the loss of Leelah. There is help and there is hope. Suicide is preventable and doesn’t ever need to be the final decision. It takes courage and time. Things change over time. Everything changes over time – depression, people, things, places, life. Leelah needed love and support. She needed to be heard and not judged. Leelah needed acceptance and understanding, she needed love and support. She needed this from her family. Millions of teenagers struggle everyday in their walk through life with who they are and who they’re becoming. Society doesn’t make it easy for anyone. Everything is watched and talked about. Social media puts people on 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

In short, this suicide could have been prevented if:

The parents were open to who their daughter was and respected her emotions and feelings
Her parents supported her and learned more about why she felt this way
Leelah chose to get help with her own emotions and feelings by asking to see a professional therapist
The family chose to see a therapist together
Society wasn’t so judgemental
People would stop thinking it’s their way or no way
People would become more open-minded and accepting
We would judge less and forgive more
The right people had the courage to help Leelah speak to the right (professional) people
She felt loved and not judged

Where does God and our faith come in to this?

Pope Francis has started to ease up on the Bible’s teachings. Here is just one article about Pope Francis . . . (Read). Many of people in the Churches pulpit are gay or lesbian and they’ve become accepted. So, who am I to judge? In the end, I personally have to answer to God when He calls my name.

You are going to judge me here. I know and that is fine. I accept it.

I work with youth and families. I stand strong on who I am as a man and my morals and values. I go to Church, I pray, and I am learning to read the bible. This is what I do and I don’t expect my neighbor to do the same, but I still love and respect my neighbor for who they are. My family has their beliefs and they all walk in their faith at their pace. Whom am I to change that? I can only inspire and influence by my actions and how I live. Understand, I am not perfect. Who is?

When it comes to working with youth, teens, education, and families I have a completely different take on faith, religion, and spirituality. I try and teach young people to have courage through life’s battles and self respect to make good choices. My audience is usually teens searching for answers to life’s questions. I meet my audience at their level and where they are in life. I don’t expect my 16 year old daughter to love Jesus as I do. I can encourage the House of God, the Bible, and Prayer, but at 16 years old I know hormones and changes are more powerful than the mind wanting to know Jesus. You can disagree all you want, but I will not challenge you on how you raise your children. What works for you in your house is your business. What works for me within my four walls works for me and I am constantly open to learn and change.

In time, I know my influence and how I live my life will speak volumes. The message will be received when the student is ready. Like leading a horse to water, right?

To my kids, I will support them unconditionally. Circumstances will certainly play a role in how I support them and the support I show. Some things are completely unacceptable and my support will be “TOUGH LOVE.” I’ve been there and I’ll do it again. My children and your children may not understand “Tough Love”, but I promise, someday they will and they will “Thank You” for it.

Our children make choices in life. This is the experience and the lessons they learn as they grow up. Personally, I want them to have a passion and enthusiasm everyday and to live life with morals and values as I try and teach them. I have my set of morals and values and my living them I hope will influence them as they figure out their own. I want them to do what is right. I will show them what is right. What is right for me doesn’t always make sense to a teen all the time. They don’t understand life yet. They’re figuring it out and I want to to figure it out through successes and failures, good times and bad times. My parents supported me and I know many times they were left shaking their heads. They loved me through tough times and supported me through many of the tough times, but they also left me to figure it out because they didn’t support a decision I was making. They gave me tough love at times and I am grateful they did.

In the end, Leelah chose to end her life. This is what I am saddened about. It doesn’t ever have to end like this for anyone. There is help and people should have been more open to encouraging the help, rather than judging her for who she felt she was. Many people are at fault for the end result. Not just the parents.

The ultimate responsibility lies on Leelah because she knew what she was doing. She could have gotten help rather than taking the cowardly way out leaving us all to pick up the pieces.

RIP Leelah!

The Video: “My Death Needs to Mean Something!”

Who is Jeff Yalden?

Jeff Yalden is a Teen Suicide Prevention Trainer and Expert. For 23 years, Jeff has worked with teens and parents across the globe. As a Youth Motivational Speaker, Jeff specializes in high school assemblies, parent and community programs teaching teens about life and supporting parents in their understanding of today’s teens. Please visit Jeff Yalden at www.JeffYalden.com for more information. Also, follow Jeff on Social Media – @JeffYalden

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