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Suicide: Tips for Coping With The Loss of a Loved One

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Death by suicide not only affects the person who died, but also others – “Suicide Survivors” – who loved and cared deeply about the person. If you are a student survivor, this experience may be one of the most challenging experiences that you’ve ever faced. While there is no easy way to grieve, it is often helpful to understand what you might experience through the grieving process.

Understanding Grief

The shock and grief that consumes you after you lose someone to suicide is overwhelming. It can feel like you have fallen into a deep hole and will never be able to get out. These are natural feelings which will likely change as you move through the grieving process. No two people experience loss in the same way. Some may experience physical symptoms such as headaches or changes in appetite and/or sleeping patterns. A person in grief may also experience some or all of the following feelings:
  • SHOCK: “I feel numb.” Feelings of being dazed or detached are a common response to trauma. Shock can protect the mind from becoming completely overwhelmed, allowing the person to function.
  • DENIAL: “I feel fine.” Sometimes people can consciously or unconsciously refuse to accept the facts and information about another’s death. This process can be even more challenging when there is little information or explanation about a loved one’s suicide. Eventually, as you gather information and accept that you may not be able to know everything, you can begin to process the reality of this tragic event and all the emotions that come with it. In time, however, our minds become more able to analyze the tragic event, and this allows the denial to give way to less troubling emotions.
  • GUILT: “I think it was my fault.” Feelings of guilt following a suicide are very common. Guilt comes from the mistaken belief that we should have, or could have, prevented the death from happening. Guilt can also arise if there are un-reconciled issues with the deceased or regret about things said or not said. In truth, no person can predict the future, nor can they know all the reasons for another person’s actions. It is human nature to blame oneself when experiencing a loss, rather than accepting the truth that some things were out of our control.
  • SADNESS: “Why bother with anything?” Once the initial reactions to the death by suicide have lessened in intensity, feelings of sadness and depression can move to the forefront. These feelings can be present for some time and can, at times, be triggered by memories and reminders of the loved one who was lost. Feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, and self-pity are all common when dealing with a loss of a loved one. Typically, you gradually learn to accept the loss and embrace both your happy and sad memories.
  • ANGER: “How could they do this to me?” Feelings of anger towards the person you have lost can arise. Many who mourn feel a sense of abandonment. Others feel anger towards a real or perceived culprit. These feelings can be complex and distressing when they are directed at the person who died. It is important to know that it is possible to both be angry with someone, and to still hold them dear in your heart. Sometimes anger is needed before you can accept the reality of the loss.
  • ACCEPTANCE: “I can miss them and still continue living.” The ultimate goal of healing is to accept the tragic event as something that could not have been prevented and cannot be changed. Acceptance is not the same as forgetting. Instead, acceptance is learning to live again and to be able to reopen your heart, while still remembering the person who has passed away.

What Makes Suicide Different

Losing a friend or loved one is never easy. However, when you lose someone to suicide, it can feel different from other types of loss. Several circumstances can make death by suicide different, making the healing process more challenging. STIGMA AND ISOLATION: Talking about suicide can be difficult for those who have experienced the loss. Different cultures view suicide in different ways, and sometimes discussing it can be a challenge. This can also be made more difficult when the act of suicide conflicts with religious views. Suicide can be isolating as communities of friends each struggle differently to make sense of the loss they all experienced. Finding the right people in your support network who are able to help you experience your loss is important. Sometimes, this may mean seeking professional help in order to help you cope with your loss. In those situations it is recommended that you contact a counselor, mental health professional, or find a trusted therapist in the community. MIXED EMOTIONS: After a death by illness or natural causes, the bereaved’ s feelings may be less complicated than when the death is by suicide. When a death is by suicide, you might both mourn the person’s passing while also hold intense feelings about the circumstances of their death. Feelings such as anger, abandonment, and rejection can all occur after a suicide as well as positive feelings about the deceased. Sorting through all of these diverse feelings can make the healing process more challenging. NEEDING TO UNDERSTAND WHY: Understanding the circumstances of a death by suicide can sometimes lead us to asking “Why?” You may second guess actions, wish that you had noticed signs earlier, or wonder how you could have acted differently. This need to understand “why” may be a difficult path, as the circumstances surrounding the loved one’s death could be unclear or not easily known. Some questions may never be answered, while you may find other answers that make sense. Sometimes you will find answers to your questions, while other times, you must learn to accept the fact that there are some things no one can know. RISK FOR SURVIVORS: People who have recently experienced a loss by suicide are at increased risk for having suicidal thoughts themselves. After experiencing the loss of a loved one, it’s not uncommon to wish you were dead or to feel like the pain is unbearable. Remember that having suicidal thoughts does not mean that you will act on them. These feelings and thoughts will likely decrease over time, but if you find them too intense, or if you’re considering putting your thoughts into action, seek support from a mental health professional, counselor, trusted adult, or call 911 immediately.  The Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief and Loss

You will never “get over” the loss you’ve experienced, but you can “get through” it. You have been changed by this loss, but you can learn how to survive, even grow, from this challenge. The following are suggestions for healing in healthy ways: SEEK SUPPORT: It’s very important to find people in your life who are good listeners, so you can turn to someone when you need extra support. You may find it helpful to talk to a friend, family member, mental health professional or spiritual advisor. Some find joining a support group helpful since each person will be able to relate in different ways to your experience.  Whatever support looks like for you, it’s important to reach out for help when you feel like you need it. BE PATIENT: Just as you may be feeling a range of emotions, people around you may also be sorting through their feelings. Be patient with yourself and others: those who are supportive of you as well as those who do not seem to understand. Limit your contact with those who tell you how to feel and what to think. Take time to heal. Set limits for yourself, and give yourself permission to say “no” to things that may come your way. It’s difficult to make decisions when you’re feeling overwhelmed; you may decide it’s best to put off important decisions until you feel ready to make them. STAY PRESENT: Take each moment as it comes. That way, you can better accept whatever you’re feeling and be able to respond in the way that is most helpful to you. Maybe you would benefit from calling your best friend. Maybe journaling would help you let go of your thoughts for now. Learning mindfulness or relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help you stay present and experience your emotions without feeling overwhelmed. Your local community may have a Mindfulness Training Program where you can learn to be present and meditate. EXPRESS YOURSELF: You can choose to tell others how you’re feeling or acknowledge your feelings privately. If you don’t feel like talking, you can set aside time each day to grieve. Just make sure you leave enough time to do something pleasantly distracting before bed. Either way, acknowledging your experiences helps. ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE FUN: Social events or pleasant activities can provide relaxation and distraction. Laughter heals, and it’s also OK if you cry.  Get back to things you enjoyed and make it a priority. ESTABLISH ROUTINE: Even getting dressed may seem challenging, but it’s important to reestablish routine as soon as you can. Building in some structure can help you manage your grief and provide a sense of normalcy and hope. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Eat as well as you can, exercise when you can, and avoid alcohol and other drugs that will make it harder for you to work through your feelings. ** Jeff Yalden is a suicide prevention specialist who works with education, high schools, middle schools, parents, and communities to deal with a loss and the grieving process.  For more information on Jeff and his inspirational motivational school assemblies, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.

Depression – The Common Cold

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“If you only knew how I feel!” I know many people who suffer from depression echo these words every day. What is depression and how do we deal with it everyday?  First, depression is a condition we deal with.  It’s not who a person is.  Depression is a flaw in the brains chemistry, not a person’s character. If you are suffering from depression you’ll understand this: “You wake up only to want to go back to bed. You think nobody understands your feelings and thoughts, or what you are going through. “Just do it!”, people say.  As if it were that easy.  You try and get ready, but your extremities feel like they’re weighted and moving is a chore.  You are totally numb and anything you’ve once enjoyed, you seem to have lost total interest. You want to be alone.  You want people to be with you, but you don’t.  You want people to understand, but they can’t.  How can they when YOU don’t even understand?  You’re just numb!  Numb to life.  You’re emotionally not present.  It’s like you are drowning yet you look around and everyone is breathing life.  You avoid friends, you end up hurting relationships, make bad financial choices, and you see life speeding by, but you are left standing on the sideline. Depression is a constant feeling of being numb.  Numb to emotions.  Days aren’t really days when you are depressed; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced, but end up being avoided.  How do you face each day?  Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting?  When you are depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day.  That is what depression is.  It’s not sadness or tears; it’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.” I am Jeff Yalden, and although this is how I feel much of the time, I am a professional in the mental health field working with teens, parents, and educators.  I suffer from depression myself.  Anxiety too!  While I am sharing this with you, I’ll just let it all out.  I am diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and PTSD.  I am fully aware of who I am and the triggers that effect my mood swings.  I regularly see a counselor and am close with my doctors and medication.  Thank you!  I am proud to have a platform where I can openly share who I am, not just what I do. I have a message for you: It doesn’t have to be like this.  There is help and there is a better way to live with depression.  Please read and if this is you, I encourage you to lose your ego and open your heart to a medical professional and get help immediately. Clinical depression is more than just the “blues,” being “down in the dumps,” or experiencing temporary feelings of sadness we all have from time to time. Depression is a serious condition that affects the mind and body. It impacts all aspects of everyday life including eating, sleeping, working, relationships, and how a person thinks of himself/herself.  People who are clinically depressed can’t just “snap out of it.”  If not treated by a professional the symptoms can continue for weeks, months, and even years. The good news is that there are very effective treatments to help those who are depressed.  However, only about one third of those that are depressed actually receive treatment.  This is very sad because reports say that upwards of 80-90% of those that seek treatment feel better within weeks. For a variety of reasons many people don’t seek treatment.  Some believe that depression is the result of a personal weakness or character flaw.  Like diabetes, heart disease, or any other medical condition, clinical depression is an illness that should be treated by a mental health professional or physician. Another reason why many people do not seek help for depression is that they simply do not recognize the signs or symptoms that something may be wrong. Depression, also known as “The Common Cold” of mental illness not only causes suffering to those who are depressed, but it also causes great pain for their family and friends who often do not know how to help. Types of Depression Major Depressive Disorder – This impairs a person’s ability to work, sleep, eat, and function as he or she normally would. It keeps people from enjoying activities that were once pleasurable, and causes them to think about themselves and the world in negative ways. Major depression is often disabling and may occur several times in a person’s life. Dysthmic Disorder – Pronounced (Dis-Thy-mia). This is a milder yet more enduring type of major depression. People with dysthymia may appear to be chronically mildly depressed to the point that is seems to be a part of their personality. When a person finally seeks treatment for dysthymia, it is not uncommon that he/she has struggled with this condition for a number of years. Bipolar Disorder – Also knows as manic-depression or manic-depressive disorder. This condition is characterized by mood that alternated between periods of depression and periods of elation and excitable behavior knows as mania. For people who have bipolar disorder, the depressions can be severe and the mania can seriously impair one’s normal judgement. When manic, a person is prone towards reckless and inapropriate behavior such as engaging in wild spending sprees or having promiscuous sex. He or she may not be able to realize the harm of his/her behavior and may even lose touch with reality. Cyclothymic Disorder – Milder yet more enduring type of bipolar disorder. A person’s mood alternates between a less severe mania (known as hypomania) and a less severe depression. Mood Disorder – General Medical Condition – Depression may be caused or precipitated by a known or unknown physical medical condition such as hypothyroidism. Substance – Induced Mood Disorder – Depression may be caused or precipitated by the use or abuse of substances such as drugs, alcohol, medications, or toxins. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – This condition affects people during specific times or seasons of the year. During winter months individuals feel depressed and lethargic, but during other months their moods may be normal. Postpartum Depression – A rare form of depression occurring in women within one week to six months after giving birth. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder – This is an uncommon type of depression affecting a small percentage of menstruating woman. It is a cyclical condition in which women may feel depressed and irritable for one or two weeks before their menstrual period each month. Adjustment Disorder – Another common type of depression has to do with life changes. Adjustment disorder causes depressed mood, and it can be the result of the death of a loved one, divorce, moving to a different town, or even changing schools.   Symptoms of Depression People who are depressed or manic may not experience all of the following symptoms. Some will have many symptoms. Some will have just a few. The severity of symptoms will be different for each individuals and will vary over time. If you are experiencing some of these symptoms or if you have questions about whether you may be depressed or manic, you should consult with your physician or a qualified mental health professional. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, or has made plans to do so, you should seek the help of a mental health professional, call your physician, or call 911. There are several symptoms of depression. Among them are:
  • Withdrawing from family and friends
  • Losing interest in social and extracurricular activities
  • Lack of energy
  • Feeling tired most of the time
  • Anxiety
  • Irritability
  • Anger
  • Feelings of sadness for much of the time
  • Significant weight fluctuations
  • Sleep pattern changes
  • Physical pains and aches, or sickness, even though there is nothing physically wrong
  • Indifference about the future
  • Afraid of being a burden
  • Uncharacteristic pessimism
  • Guilty feelings
  • Lowering self-esteem
  • Suicidal thoughts
While these symptoms can be experienced by nearly everyone at some point in life, it is important to be able to tell depression apart from the normal roller coaster of life. ** A general rule of thumb for recognizing depression is that five or more symptoms will persist without break for more than two weeks.   Treatment for Depression Depression can be treated. If you are self medicating through substance abuse, over the counter medications, alcohol, cutting or self harm, please speak to a medical professional as soon as possible. Getting help requires you to pick up the phone and make an appointment. Within a couple of weeks you will feel better and you’ll be thankful you made this decision. Everybody is different. For some, therapy alone works well, while for others, medication is needed. Most people respond favorably to a combination of therapy and medication.  However, it is important to realize that medication can become habit forming, and that it should only be used while under a doctor’s care, and only as directed. ——————————————————————————- Jeff Yalden is a motivational speaker who speaks to nearly 250,000 people each year in high schools, middle schools, and parent / community presentations.  Jeff specializes in teen depression, mental health, and talking to parents about teens and technology – cell phones and the use of social media.  Jeff is an expert on the relationship between parents and teenagers and bridges the gap between the two.  For more information on Jeff Yalden, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.  There you will find out about Jeff’s TV Show coming up, his Radio Show, books, and Podcast.  Also, visit Jeff Yalden on YouTube and watch his videos.

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