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3 Tips to Improve Teens Self-Esteem

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Hey my friends . . . This has been a rough year for everyone, but especially for teenagers. Many have missed out on experiences that define the teenage years – things like prom, homecoming, and even just defining who you are in a group of friends. Covid has caused more problems for teen mental health than we can care to think about. Here are 3 Tips to Boost Teens Self-Esteem.

I’m Jeff Yalden, teen mental health and suicide prevention expert with Here Tomorrow in Neptune Beach, I’ve been working with schools and school communities for the past thirty years.  Teens are my love and passion.

Listen, a teenager’s social-emotional development is also hinged on their brain development, hormones and neurotransmitters.

Erik Erikson’s theory of development says that it is during this time that an adolescent will begin to develop and question their own sense of self. In this day of social media, it is becoming more difficult to find who you are and where you belong. Teens are inundated with images that speak to their worth and comparison of others.

A pioneer in social media and the psychology of its impact on esteem and mental health is Jonathan Bertrand. Bertrand’s position is that social media use has a profound impact on the development of self and often interferes with mental health and esteem-related issues. Combine that with Erikson’s work and you have a bit of a potentially disastrous combination.

With that being said, I want to share with you 3 Tips to help teens boost their self-esteem.

Tip #1: Avoid excessive exposure to social media 

More than 4-5 hours a day . . . 70% more likely to have major depression and other mental health conditions.  So, when possible, eliminate or really reduce the use of social media.  Let me add emphasis to social media being recognized as part of one’s self-esteem issues.  

Here is the deal, If your teen struggles with body image, lifestyle comparison or feelings of inadequacy then social media may be a piece of that puzzle. 

Here is what I am suggesting . . . Setting some limits, like turning off all technology a couple of hours before bed and limited overall time on social media.  Trust me, this is a good place to start.

However, this might be difficult as you get resistance. You might then consider having some conversations about social media and its impact and invite your teen into the conversation rather than it being a lecture.  After 24 hours, you’ll think you have a new teenager.

Tip  #2: Use thought stopping

Another strategy is to use thought-stopping. Here is what that is.  We cannot control a thought when it comes into your head, but we can control what we do with the thought. Don’t hang on to a negative thought.  Instead, say ‘stop’ and think of something else. Over time this will help to create new neural connections in your brain instead of circling the negativity drain. 

Helping teens understand they can have control over how they handle thoughts is a powerful way to build self-esteem.  Think of it this way, situations become thoughts.  Thoughts become feelings.  Feelings become behaviors.  Stop the negative thoughts.  Another term for this is Behavioral Activation.  If it’s not right . . . Change the thought.

Tip #3: Build mastery

Find an activity that you enjoy and work toward building mastery. This will not only encourage you to find a group of people with similar interests, but it will also build your sense of worth within yourself and within the group. Start by sampling some things that you have a a little of interest in and explore them. If it is a sport, commit to the season. If it is a new hobby or club, give it at least 3 months of your time. Building mastery is a great way to solidify your confidence. 

Put down the devices and get more involved.

Contact Jeff today. (CLICK HERE)

Why Teens Need a Mental Health Life Coach

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Teen Life Coach Jeff Yalden

Jeff Yalden speaks to teens one on one everywhere he goes.

Your teen needs a Teen Life Coach and a Mental Health Life Coach for support and encouragement. Consider Jeff Yalden. He’s been that trusted teen life coach for many years.
Growing up teen today is harder than it has ever been.
Parenting is harder than it’s ever been too, and that is why teens need a Mental Health Life Coach. Parents can use a coach that understands teens as well.

As a Youth Motivational Speaker & Coach, Jeff Hears Their Cries

Pressures of being a teen today are overwhelming. The mental well-being of our teens is seriously being compromised.
Jeff sees it everyday in his talks with teens and school communities. High School Assemblies with youth motivational speaker Jeff Yalden are 15 hours and in that time he meets one on one with many teens requesting to speak to him personally.
After his high school assemblies students line up to talk about life, their family struggles, abuse, brokenness, loss, fear, anxiety, stress, feelings of being overwhelmed and more.
A personal conversation with Jeff and teens feel they can trust in him to share their heart.

Why Teens want to speak to Jeff Yalden

For so many reasons, teens are afraid to talk, including but not limited to:
  • They’re afraid you’re going to try and fix it
  • They’re afraid you’re going to judge them
  • You’re going to tell them they’re overreacting
  • You don’t understand the pressure of being a teen
  • You’re not going to take them seriously
  • They’re afraid of being a burden
  • They can’t figure out how they’re feeling themselves
  • They feel you won’t value their feelings, thoughts, and emotions
So what do teens do? They isolate themselves trying to figure it all out and it becomes too overwhelming.

Teens don’t trust adults

Sounds crazy, but it’s true and that is why they’re not reaching out to their trusted adults. Ask many teens who their trusted adult is and they’ll tell you they don’t have one. Scared, isolated, and teens feel alone and a disappointment. They’re not speaking because they are afraid to burden their closest adults with their problems. They know how stressful life is for you that they don’t want to overwhelm you with their problems.
“I wanted to say “Thank You” for letting me thing that I do belong here and I am special. I am loved and that I don’t need to end it all to get what I want.I will never forget everything you said to everyone.” – Student, OH

Two Questions Teens Need Answered

VbSzbvllRIy7GyUtwkeYhgIf you’re going to connect and be able to get the trust and respect from your teens you have to answer these two questions:
  • Can I trust you?
  • Do you care about me?
You can’t just say, “I’m the parent. Of course they know they can trust me.” Not so fast. How do you show it? How do they know?
Teens don’t walk in the house from school and say, “Mom and dad, I’ve had a bad day. Can we talk?“
They go to their room just wishing you would come through the door and listen to their heart without saying a word. Just listen.
In isolation their minds are left thinking the worst.
You spell LOVE: T-I-M-E. TIME and being non-judgmental when you’re listening.

Teen Pressures are Overwhelming

With all the pressures: social media, school, friends, their future, and the expectations, teens are overwhelmed. Their mental health is being compromised and teens don’t know how to cope.
Teen Life Coach Jeff Yalden

Mental Health Teen Life Coach Jeff Yalden reaches students.

Major concerns such as self-harm, depression, and maybe even suicidal ideation if teens don’t ask for help or parents don’t advocate for their child.
A teen mental health life coach helps your teen navigate the process of life by listening and offering practical tips and advice. Having this teen life coach will lead to self-value, self-respect, and a confidant they can talk to without judgement.
It’s extremely important to have a mental health life coach to help deal with everyday challenges for teens.
Someone that understands them and can help them navigate the process of life in a calm, non-reactionary, balanced journey; giving them practical tips and advice.

Teen Suicide: Is your Teen Next?

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After a suicide, Jeff meets with students and friends and gives them permission to talk and feel while leading them in on a healthy and positive path to closure and acceptance.

Jeff Yalden is an expert on teen mental health and teen suicide.
Teen Suicide has been and continues to be an epidemic in school communities everywhere.
You may have heard about the show “13 Reasons Why” that tells the story of how a teen girl takes her own life after experiencing many traumatic experiences.
Many mixed views about the show.  Some feel like the show provides a valuable opportunity for discussion about bullying and teen suicide.
On the other side of the spectrum are those that feel the show glorifies suicide and shows that it is an easy option.
Regardless of what you think, Jeff says the show is popular because it is a conversation teens are having.  Suicide is a thought and that is why teens are paying attention.  For this reason, Jeff says as a parent you should be watching the show because your teen is probably watching it themselves.
The show triggers with teens and their emotions.  Pay attention and do something.

Two Reasons Teens Want to End Their Lives

There are two specific reasons teens start thinking about wanting to end their lives.
  1. They feel alone
  2. They feel they’re a disappointment
What comes next if they’re not asking for help is self-harm. Heed the warning signs and take all signs seriously.

Teens are in a Vulnerable and Emotional State

Teen Mental Health Life Coach Jeff YaldenThe years of being a teen are very stressful and although as parents you’ve been through it, it just isn’t the same.
This is one of the reasons why teens need a mental health life coach they can talk to weekly or bi-monthly.
A teen life coach that can teach them skills that will help them deal with everyday life stressors. A teen life coach that gives them tools o they can add to their toolbox.
As a teen life coach, Jeff spends a lot of time teaching coping skills and problem solving skills.

Teens in Therapy

Jeff feels strongly that professional counseling is a great place for teens.
Teens don’t trust in adults, especially counselors and don’t feel they need therapy. A teen life coach having been through the journey of mental health counseling can really help your teen with understanding what counseling is.
You can’t just say to a teen, “You need therapy.“
Therapy is a process and Jeff works with his clients to help them understand the benefits of therapy and perhaps medication, if that is needed.
Teens trust in Jeff because he stays on their side and explains how it all works. Jeff validates their feelings and thoughts but shows the benefits of giving professional counseling a try and sticking to it.
In the process of working with a teen life coach make sure that this teen life coach knows enough about mental health in teens.  Also, this teen life coach understands their boundaries between a teen life coach and professional therapist.
The two can easily work together. Jeff specializes in working with the client and another therapist. Jeff says, “We both have our strengths and I don’t interfere with the therapist at all.” Working together it’s a win-win situation.

13 Reasons why a Teen Mental Health Life Coach is Right for Your Teen

1. Social Media and Teens:

The overwhelming amount of time being on Social Media. More time on social media is more time isolating yourself from the world. Isolation is toxic.
18If your teen is spending 4-5 or more hours on social media platforms they’re 70% more likely to have major depression in their life.
Jeff Yalden can assist you as a parent with explaining what social media and the dopamine effect are doing to teens.

2.Mandated Testing in Schools:

The anxiety and pressure teens are facing with tests is overwhelming and causing a lot of stress.  Teens think today that if they’re not perfect what is the point.
The expectations teens feel they’re not reaching are coming from school, parents, themselves, and keeping up with their friends.
Your teen needs help managing the anxiety that comes with this overwhelming pressure. A teen life coach teaches helpful tools to manage this anxiety in order to be more successful in school and in life.

3. Bullying and Cyberbullying

Youth Motivational Speaker Jeff YaldenTeen suicide is rarely the cause of one thing such as bullying. Bullying can be the straw that breaks the camels back, but today, Jeff will tell you that bullying or cyberbullying can certainly be the cause of a teen suicide completion or attempt.
Absolutely!
Kids are mean and this occurs in school, on social media, and a lot of the time at home.
It’s very rare for a teen to never experience being bullied by the time they have graduated from high school.
Having a teen life coach can teach skills to help your teen handle the bullying and even prevent bullying from happening to them.  Teens also need these skills to help them realize when they are being the bully and how not to get in that situation.
While most schools have anti-bullying programs in place the students don’t take them seriously and sometimes these programs give new opportunities for bullying to occur.

4. Divorce and Family Issues

Family issues and blended families is more normal amongst teens and their friends. Too many of our teens have these feelings they are the cause of the tension in the family or the reason for the divorce.
Family issues are very emotional for the teen. Maybe more so than for the parents.
Having a teen life coach can help your teen find emotional resilience and manage the big picture, the change, and how to take this one day at a time without getting caught up in the brokenness.
If your child doesn’t talk to someone and express their thoughts and feelings the pain will manifest into behavior that leads to further problems, anxiety, depression, and maybe suicidal ideation.

5.  Peer Pressure

Imagine the pressure you feel as an adult trying to keep up with family, friends, and co-workers.
Teens need to learn how to follow their own personal course and to enjoy getting to know who they are and not trying to live in other people shoes.
Having a teen life coach can help your teen make decisions for themselves where they take pride in who they are and the course of their own life.

6. Sexual abuse

Being abused sexually is more common than you’d imagine.  According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), teens account for 51% of all reported sexual abuse and female victims of teen sexual abuse while in grades 9-12 are more likely than others to experience eating disorders, suicidal ideation, pregnancy, and risky sexual behaviors.
A teen life coach will give your teen the consistent coaching that can help your teen know the difference between being where they should be and where they should not be, but more importantly having the confidence to say, “NO.”
Your teen needs to understand how and where sexual abuse occurs and if it’s happened a teen life coach can help them process and be comfortable talking to their parents and professional help as it’s the right thing to do.

7.  Alcohol and Drugs: Self-Medicating

Too many of our teens are vaping, drinking, and experiencing with pills. It’s become a Teen Life Coach says every teen needs a trust adult in their life.norm for too many teens today and they’re not taking it seriously.
George Mason University says this culture of alcohol drinking can lead to higher rates of teen sex, teen pregnancy, date rape, violence, and illegal activity.
Teens believe it is not a big deal to drink alcohol, because everyone does it, even their parents.
Alcohol becomes a go-to for stress and anxiety.  Self-medicating.
A teen life coach can help with coping skills and problem solving skills on how to deal with anxiety, stress, and everyday problems.

8. The Maturity of a Teen’s Brain

The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain where emotional control, impulse restraint and rational decision-making take place.  According to Dr. David Walsh, this part of the brain does not fully mature until around the age of 25 and this is why many teenagers do not practice “good judgment” in difficult situations.

9.  Teens Don’t Like Talking to Adults

Again, Jeff says you have to earn their respect and trust and it takes time.
Teen Life Coach, Jeff Yalden saves a teen and visits her a year later.

One of the most memorable moments of Jeff’s career as a teen life coach was this young lady and the two years of saving her life.

Teens withdraw from parents and spend more time alone or with their friends. Isolation is toxic and our teens are spending too much time alone or with their friends asking the questions they should be asking an adult.
Having a teen life coach in your teens life can help them make good decisions and guide them through the tough times they don’t feel comfortable talking to their parents or counselors about.

10. Drama . . . Drama . . . Drama

Drama causes a lot of ups and downs and happens daily in a teens life.
One day your teen is best friends with someone and the next day she is not.
Hateful are said to each other and rumors can be spread.  This can lead to bullying and depression.
Your teen needs to have a mentor to show them the bigger picture.  When it comes to friends a teen life coach can help your teen use their inner judgement in making good decisions when it comes to the friends that matter and to the friends that are acquaintances.

11. The Future Decisions

Life Coach for TeensThe future is a huge stress factor for high school students in junior and senior year of high school.
If your teen is in a competitive high school environment it’s even worse.  If your teen doesn’t get into a good school they’ll feel a disappointment to themselves and their parents.
Teens feel the pressure to know what they want to do as a career as early a 9th grade.
They get confused from all of the pressure from parents, friends, teachers, and media.
A teen life coach can help teen your teen make these decisions by asking questions that make the most sense to them and what they want in their life.

12. The feelings of being Alone and a Disappointment

Most teens feel alone and a disappointment.  Teens are becoming more independent and trying to figure out what their purpose in life is, who their friends are, and what they are good at.
As they are learning more about themselves they may have moments of feeling left out or like they are different than everyone else.
Teen Life Coaches can help a teens understand that we are all connected and here for different reasons.  Teens are wondering what their purpose is and a teen life coach can help guide them in the right direction while supporting and encouraging them in their journey.

13.  They’re Influences such as Television and the Internet

Teens are influenced everyday and everything is influential to a teen who is easily impressionable.
Suicide contagion is real.  Television shows like “13 Reasons Why” was very impressionable on millions of teens.
Teens need a life coach to know that suicide is a permanent action to a situation that is temporary.
By you giving your teen a life coach, someone to talk to and trust in on a consistent basis you are giving your teen a trusted mentor to teach important life-saving tools that will help your teen gain a healthy mind in order to live a happy and successful life with meaning and purpose.
Consider a teen life coach for your teen today, by visiting Jeff Yalden: Teen Life Coach and Teen Mental Health Expert.

Inspiring Conversations: Ep.1 – Bobby Petrocelli

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You Matter . . . IT Doesn’t

I got on ZOOM about five minutes before our time of 12:00pm, April 1, 2020. No, this is not an April Fools’ Day joke. By the way, I don’t like April Fools’ jokes. I was excited to speak with fellow author, speaker and educator Bobby Petrocelli. I asked him to tell me a couple of things on his heart that he might want to talk about that day.

Bobby Petrocelli is passionate and wise, and I knew I’d have questions.

Right away, Bobby mentioned his book, YOU MATTER . . . IT DOESN’T. He told me he wanted to talk about the WHY behind the IT. I knew where he was going with this because it’s right up my alley. I composed myself and started with a prayer…

A Talk Show is BORN!

During my interview with Petrocelli, it dawned on me that I needed to do a YouTube channel dedicated to inspiring conversations, and here we are. Just like that, the show is created. Now I just need to figure out how to make a YouTube talk show.

This is a good time to figure it out, because nothing much is happening, and I have time. The COVID-19 pandemic has us all struggling with social isolation. Schools are closed, many people are out of work and obviously my speaking schedule is on hold.

It’s during times like this where you have time to create new ideas that might take off. We can choose victim or victor, right? I love Bobby Petrocelli. He’s a great man and an amazing speaker. We’ve known each other for many years.  When I get a chance to interview him, I get excited. He’s inspiring and knowledgeable. He’s a man of God and cares about youth and families. He cares about people.

Find out more about Bobby HERE.

IT HAPPENED . . .

What is IT?

The IT represents the result of something. Bobby talked about his wife being killed by a drunk driver when he was 24 years old. The IT is his wife was killed by a drunk driver. The WHY is what we don’t often talk about. Among other things, the IT leaves us angry, hurt, resentful, and broken. We end up going through life carrying this feeling because we don’t move past IT.

WHY did IT Happen?

The WHY is behind the IT and gives us the answers we are looking for so we can move forward and cope with whatever happened. The WHY takes us on a journey to understand what needs to be understood. If we don’t ask questions, we are never healed through whatever pain we are going through. IT happened and we can’t change it, but we can change how we grow, cope, and move forward in a healthy way. For Bobby, he was prepared as much as anyone can prepare for something tragic like this. He said, “If we don’t ask the WHY then IT will dominate your life,” and he wasn’t going to let that happen. Bobby is a man of faith – a strong man of God. Right away he right away talked about forgiveness…

He didn’t say that he condones wrongdoing.

Forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. He knew that he had to forgive this man who was two times the legal limit, driving while intoxicated when his wife was killed. Forgiveness was his first step in recovery. Amazing! He was 24 years old and he knew he had to forgive, when most people would have been angry at the world.

Bobby wasn’t.

I asked him about this.

“I had been prepared for something like this,” he said.  I’m not exactly sure what Bobby meant, because who can prepare for something so tragic – but I knew it was his faith in God. It was also his ability to have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset – even at 24. I’m telling you; Bobby Petrocelli is an inspirational man.

Is What You’re Being Asked to do IMPOSSIBLE?

The above question is something Bobby asks his audiences.

“You have it, whatever it is, so let’s build on it,” he said.

Bobby talked about how we have what it takes so let’s learn. Let’s be open to learning and engage in the process every day. I was thinking, don’t be the victim, be the victor. We have a lot in common, but he’s so much better at speaking about it.

You’re never asked to do anything impossible. You can choose to walk away, or you can choose to saddle up and figure it out.

Petrocelli: 10 Seconds

IT happened, but Bobby was not going to fold.

10 Seconds got him through this.

“It’s not one day at a time, like so many people say. For me, I couldn’t think of the next five minutes. I had to break it down to 10 Seconds. For me it was 10 Seconds at a time.”

I was at my worst at 16 and again at 22. I can still remember those days.

At 16, I wasn’t listening to anyone. I had a fixed mindset. At 22, I knew a little better and was very close to my grandparents. My grandmother used to say to me, “Jeff, take it one meal at a time. After dinner, go to bed, and just wake up for breakfast.”

That was my 10 Seconds at a time. The thing here that I want to make clear is that it’s not that things get better with time, but it’s what you do with that time where things get better. Sometimes, it’s just putting space between a thought and an action. It’s being grounded, present in the moment, breathing and just knowing that it will be okay.

Success: Patterns, Habits, and Routines

Nobody is better than anyone else, but some people have a routine and they’re driven. They wake up on time because they go to bed at a set time. They don’t waste hours on their smartphones, doing things that don’t matter. Successful people have a purpose. Their IT is their success. They’ve created patterns, habits and a routine to accomplish the goals they’ve set for themselves.

What is the WHY? That differs from person to person, but one thing is certain: Everyone has been knocked down in life. You have a choice at this point. You can stay knocked down or you can get back up.

Bobby got back up. He knew he needed some things in his life to be right in order for him to cope through his loss.

You are a result of your patterns, habits and routines – your attitude, friends, and commitment to a GROWTH MINDSET.

Your Friends are The ROOTS, LEAVES, or the BRANCHES

I got chills when Bobby started talking about Tyler Perry’s Madea – Let Them Go.

I love this skit and it is so right. Your friends are either the roots, the leaves, or the branches. Watch the video and understand this analogy. So true.

What Works For You

The first thing to do is to engage in the process. Choose a growth mindset. Don’t be a victim. Go from IT happened to understanding WHY it happened. Then, it’s HOW CAN I . . .? How can I be better at this or that? What can I do to be can I be a better person? How can I move forward with love, compassion, forgiveness, and be healthier? It’s about being present in moments. Now. Not yesterday or tomorrow. Not even in five minutes, but here and now.  Within these moments, what productive thing are you doing that works best for you?

Bobby puts it this way: “Is what I am doing making me better or hurting me?”

For Petrocelli, that question made all the difference, and helped him toward a healthy outcome. it was the moments where he would ask if what he was doing was helping or hurting him towards a healthy outcome. He set a growth mindset.

Here are the very simple and true bullets I took from this part of my conversation with Petrocelli:

  • Be still
  • You’re One of a Kind
  • Don’t Rob Yourself
  • Find Those Roots on a Tree as a Friends

Very simple and true.

Be Still

Be present and know that in stillness great things will happen.

You’re One of a Kind

Self-Esteem. Stop focusing on being beautiful on the outside and look within yourself and know you are one of a kind. There is nothing or nobody else like you.

Don’t Rob Yourself

You have a gift and you need to use it. Don’t let what is so special about you be robbed because you’re not seeing what is special. Self-esteem again. Know you are capable and beautiful and have a growth mindset.

Find the ROOTS on a TREE as your Friends

You want friends that aren’t there for a season. You want friends in your life that are invested. Surround yourself with people who are there to plant seeds rather than pick the fruit. Let them go if they’re not in your life for the right reasons.

Remember: YOU MATTER . . . IT DOESN’T.

There is a WHY to why we are broken, rejected, abandoned, or hurt. Don’t choose to carry this pain with you through life. Develop a growth mindset. Figure out the WHY and ask the HOW questions.

Remember, forgiveness is for you. It’s not for them.

Choose love. Choose you. Choose Growth.

Check out Bobby Petrocelli at www.10Seconds.org. As always, I am at www.JeffYalden.com.

INSIDE THE TEEN MIND

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Yalden - Teen Suicide - Cover.jpg

Teens think differently than adults, plain and simple. And there’s more to it than the fact that maturity, life experience and wisdom serve as filters through which adults process their thoughts…

The brain develops from the back to the front, starting with the cerebellum, amygdala and the nucleus accumbens.

You might be thinking: “Did Jeff just cuss at me?”

The Prefrontal Cortex

Those three words I used control your physical activity, emotions and your motivation. The front part of your brain is the last to develop – and this includes the prefrontal cortex, which controls reasoning and impulse.

The front part of the brain doesn’t mature until roughly age 25. See what I’m getting at?

Your teens might be acting recklessly or impulsively because of a huge burst of brain development in adolescence – which explains why kids sometimes act first and think later or display unpredictable or risky behavior.

I know I acted impulsively when I was a teen. Didn’t you? We should give our kids a break and acknowledge that we did reckless things too. If we are open about this, it would be much easier for us to become the trusted adults our kids need in our lives.  Remember, though, that that doesn’t mean that we should share everything.

If you couple the not-yet-developed brain with depression or any other mental illness, this reckless behavior can get worse. We have all seen teenagers lash out in a fit of anger, and I don’t mean a typical temper tantrum. Add alcohol and/or drugs to this mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

The Here and Now

Young people live in the here and the now – and they don’t yet have the foresight to realize that something seemingly permanent is in fact fleeting, no matter what it looks like at the time.

Teens: How you feel now isn’t how you will feel tomorrow or ten years from now. Depression, substance abuse or other mental illnesses are certain to compound the feeling that what might be going on now will be permanent.

There is hope. Even when you think you are at rock bottom, there is hope. Remember that there are people who understand how you feel – and more importantly why you feel or act the way you do. You are growing up and maturing like everybody else. You are not alone.

Above content is Part Five in a series based on Jeff’s new book, Teen Suicide: The “Why” Behind America’s Suicide Epidemic

To find out more about The Jeff Yalden Foundation, go HERE.

ORDER your copy of Jeff’s new book, Teen Suicide: The “Why” Behind America’s Suicide Epidemic.

To book Jeff for your school, event or conference, call 800-948-9289.

CLICK HERE for Jeff’s online suicide prevention course.

A Conversation with Isabella

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One of the greatest things about my work as a youth motivational speaker is that I get to plant seeds, give hope and inspire young people. One of the most challenging things is that sometimes I get to help, but I might not know the end result of the work I do. Thankfully, I know the end result when it comes to my friend Isabella, whom I had the chance to talk to a year after I met her. She is now 18 and has granted me permission to make the VIDEO included with this post. Last year when I met with her at her school, we made a decision together – and Isabella did the work. What broke my heart then was that we had to put her into an ambulance alone for a ride to a hospital more than an hour away. But when I recently returned to the school community, I couldn’t wait to hear about how she is doing now – and I want to share that progress with you. I’m a fan.
The following is an edited transcript of the above VIDEO: YALDEN:  How are you doing, Isabella? It was a hard day a year ago… ISABELLA:  It actually was, but what was really hard was accepting that I did need the help. I went on this hurtful journey of depression and PTSD – feeling like my auntie’s death was my fault. I believed it was my fault. I believed that my mom’s sadness was my fault – and that caused me to go into a deep, deep depression. I felt like I was locked. This little girl inside me wanted to get help, but we were afraid. Jeff Yalden came to our school and was talking about mental health and how to help people – and he was the key to that lock. I came and talked to him. I told him about what I was going through, and he told me what we were going to do. At first, I was afraid. It wasn’t an exciting journey, but I needed to do it. I needed to get the help I needed. Yes, it was sad that I was going to be leaving my school and going into this hospital – but I was happy to get the help I needed. I want to thank Jeff because, even though he said I did the work – nobody would have said I needed to go and get help. It was that encouragement… YALDEN: Thank you. I couldn’t be any more grateful, appreciative or inspired – but ultimately, I never want to send someone to the hospital without them having ownership. If you don’t have ownership, you are not going to take it seriously – you are not going to be honest. What made you that day want to listen to say, “I need help…”? What made you think you were ready? ISABELLA:  Seeing my friends cry, honestly. I have one friend who he watched me through this depression. He had seen me cry and have breakdowns. I didn’t want to see him cry, nor did I want to see my mom cry. I wore a mask around here. I faked happy and pretended everything was OK – but behind closed doors, I let out all of my feelings.  I felt like my life was worthless, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. And so, that’s what gave me the ownership to say, “Jeff – I need the help…can you please help me,” and you did. I came back a year later. I did miss some school, but I got back, and I went to summer school – and now I am graduating with 30 credits.  I never really thought that I would be here – here right now in this school. I didn’t think I would live to see this day because of my depression. All I can tell you guys is – TALK! I know it’s scary to talk to a trusted adult – but honestly, it helps a lot. YALDEN – When you open up, you actually feel like there is less anxiety and you feel better, right? And you did the work despite the fear of the unknown. You pushed through and here you are on the other side. Can you give kids – 17 and 18 – permission that it’s OK to talk? If you have pain in your heart, what you don’t speak out, you end up acting out. And we can’t help if we don’t know. ISABELLA: I give permission to 17, 18 and sometimes younger than that – because it’s not just teenagers. It’s middle-schoolers and surprisingly, elementary school kids – because they ARE bullied, and words hurt. And this is pretty off-topic, but don’t bully. You really don’t know what a person is going through. They could be fighting depression. They could be fighting something else. Just don’t add onto it. Why be mean when we are all put on this earth to be kind? I don’t like to be mean. I really don’t – and to any kids who are fighting depression and feeling like they are alone – listening to that voice in their heads – you are stronger. Jeff made me see that I am stronger. That voice in my head was just a voice. I have great friends. I have an amazing mom. And I have amazing teachers – so if anyone out there is struggling and feels like they are alone – talk to a trusted adult. Talk to a teacher. Even talk to your counselor, because you need to take that first step toward getting the help you need. Trust me – the dark side? You’ll get out of it, and you will come to the bright side. It’s so beautiful here. YALDEN: you have to be willing to lose your ego and open your heart. It is hard – but it’s part of growing and not being afraid to talk and ask for help. My friends, I was so inspired to come back to this community. I want to protect her identity – but when she came up to me after the assembly this morning, I just lit up There is a great outcome on the other side. You just have got to be willing to do the work.

Teen Mental Health Speaker: Jeff Yalden

Jeff Yalden is highly regarded as one of the top mental health experts in the world primarily focused on education and school communities working with teens, school administration, counselors, teachers, staff, parents and community leaders. He’s a four-time best-selling author including his latest book, TEEN SUICIDE: The WHY Behind Today’s Suicide Epidemic. His Podcast: Mental Health and Motivation continues to attract thousands of new subscribers every month for his direct talk and influence on today’s mental health conversations for teens and adults. You can learn more about Jeff Yalden by visiting his website – www.JeffYalden.com. You can also learn more about Jeff’s Suicide Prevention Online Course for School Communities and Parents, Jeff Yalden University, and follow Jeff on YouTube and Social Media by clicking on the links below: For more information, please visit www.JeffYalden.com or click on any link below: Online Suicide Prevention Course for School Communities Book: Teen Suicide: They WHY Behind America’s Suicide Epidemic   Facebook Page School Resources Join Mailing List: Text YALDEN to 66866

3 Ways to Accept Others for Who They Are

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Hey friends, Jeff Yalden here. You know, for many years I always thought my way was the right way. Tell me I’m not the only one, right? I had a moment a month ago or so – where I learned to live and let live and that I need to accept things for the way they are rather than the way we think they should be. Likewise, we need to accept others for who they are rather than who we want them to be. Make sense? Summertime brings family and friends together for BBQ’s, parties, and great times. During these times of celebration, we sometimes find ourselves not being fully present. When we are not fully present we don’t allow ourselves to truly be ourselves and love openly and enjoy the time we have together because we get sidetracked in our minds or in reality, because:
  • We spend time worrying about whether we have others’ approval or how we can get it
  • We spend time trying to convince others that our way is right and their way is wrong
  • We get caught up in thinking and behavior patterns of an older version of ourselves
  • We see others according to our labels and judgements of them, rather than who they really are
When we feel any of these patterns bubbling up inside us, we can bring ourselves back to what is truly important, by remembering:
  1. Everyone has their own path that is right and true for them. We all have a way of living and approaching each day that works for us. And it’s natural for us to want others, especially those we love, to follow our path too. It’s important to recognize though, that trying to convince others that our way is best, will usually lead to disappointment. On the contrary, change can surprisingly and naturally occur in others when we stay true to our own path, without trying to change a thing about theirs. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.
  1. We can still show love to others when we disagree with their way. Just because we don’t agree with how someone else lives their life, it doesn’t mean we have to change how we interact with them and whether or not we extend love and care towards them. Rather than being threatened, dismayed or frustrated by our differences, we can celebrate them.
What is it that you can learn from their way? What has it brought to your attention, and how does it illuminate changes you’d love to make within yourself? When we honor others for who they are (and even see parts of ourselves in them), we can love them more. When we accept others, we also become more accepting of ourselves.
  1. Rather than trying to change others, focus on yourself. We empower ourselves when we shift attention away from how others live, and place our awareness on our own lives.
So, let me ask you . . . where, in your own life, could you be more accepting towards yourself? Are you honoring your own path and being true to yourself? Could you let go of wanting to change others, and….could you let go of wanting to change yourself? What would happen if you were at peace with how things are right now? When we take the time to look within, it becomes easier to stay centered in who we are and accept, no matter what the path, that we are all essentially the same. Think for a moment. If you were free of your past, worries, judgements and labels in relation to others, how might your relationships shift? I’d love to hear about your experience of holding this intention, and whether it helps you celebrate with others and your journey with more love, presence, and whole-heartedness.   I’m Jeff Yalden . . . I hope you enjoyed this message. God Bless You and God Bless America.   Jeff Yalden is an award winning mental health speaker and youth motivational speaker.  He’s the author of several books.  You can learn more about Jeff by visiting his website at www.JeffYalden.com.

Family and Teenagers: Common Problems and Solutions

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podcast-side-img-4Being a parent of a teenager can be very challenging, distressing, and sometimes worrying. Many teenagers tend to push against the system in an attempt to gain a sense of independence; making parents feel criticized, rejected and confused. This can cause many problems within the family as emotions are high and there is a constant power struggle between the teenager and parents. It is very important for parents to understand what is going on inside the mind and the body of the teenager.

Understanding Teenagers

The average teenager’s body transforms at an alarming rate. This is, by the way, one of the main reasons why they sleep a lot. As their hormones move and surge, both the brain and the body respond in a different way. For instance, these hormones cause their emotions to go on a rollercoaster ride – this is why they have so many mood swings. Boys for instance, have to deal with a sharp surge of testosterone in their bodies while girls endure high estrogen levels. Hormones however, are only a small part of the entire story.

Tips for Coping with Teenagers

Keeping these biological changes in mind, it is very important for parents to be understanding and supportive during these critical times. Here are some tips for you to better cope with your teenager.
  • Be there for them – Contrary to what it seems, your child does want you to be there for them. Just give them a little time and let them handle the situation at their own pace.
  • Reassure them – Many teenagers easily get scared by all the transformation that takes place including physical and biological. It is very important that you reassure them from time to time that everything is perfectly normal and that they have nothing to worry about.
  • Be consistent with discipline – According to research, consistent boundaries that respect a teenager’s limits are the best way to provide them a sense of security whilst they are handling their inner turmoil.
  • Be approving and supportive – A number of studies have confirmed that both girls and boys have a high level of self-esteem in their adolescence if they believe they have the approval and support of their family.
  • Be patient – Patience is key to solving such problems. Parents have to be patient with the random outbursts of their teenagers and the mood swings. Impatient parents only make matters worse for themselves and their children.
  • Be honest – Being supportive for your teenager does not mean that you sacrifice your own emotions and life. There will be times when you yourself will be feeling low. Be honest and upfront and tell your teenager how you feel. This will tell them that it is perfectly fine not to be perfect.
  • Be hopeful – Give your teenager hope that everything will pass and things will turn to be just fine. Hope goes a long way in encouraging them to cope with their mental and physical changes.
** Jeff Yalden is a teen and family communicator and motivator. As a youth motivational speaker, Jeff is highly regarded as the Teen Whisperer when it comes to teens and mental health, suicide and teen depression.  If you are interested in Jeff visiting your high school, middle school, and parent/community, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.  Also, please visit www.NotTheSolution.com for Teen Depression and Teen Suicide if you know of a teen that is hurting.

Mental Health of Teenagers: Danger Signs to Watch Out For

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IMG_6572Adolescence is not easy. It affects not only the teenager but also parents. The teenager undergoes many changes, including sexual, physical, hormonal, emotional, intellectual, and social – the combined pressures of all these changes can often become overwhelming for them and may lead to a number of mental health issues. Mental health problems are a major concern as some can be life threatening. Here are a few guidelines for parents and caretakers to positively identify any mental health issues that their teen may be suffering from.

Mental Health Problems Are Treatable

First of all, it is imperative to understand that mental health conditions can be treated. You can speak to a pediatrician, the local health department, the school’s representatives, and health care professionals regarding the treatment options available to you.  This requires the understanding that mental health isn’t an individual issue, but it’s a family issue and the support of family is strongly encouraged and accepted.  This is important for the teen to open his or her heart to proper treatment and counseling.

Keeping an Eye Open: Danger Signs to Look Out For

Excessive sleeping that is beyond the typical teenage fatigue. This could indicate substance abuse or depression.
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Unexpected decline in their academic performance
  • Loss of appetite and weight loss
  • Significant personality shifts, such as excessive anger and aggressiveness

Key Mental Health Issues for Teens

Some of the key mental health issues that teens need to be monitored for are:
  1. Depression
  2. Eating disorders
  3. Drug abuse
Depression While every human being experiences the ‘blues’, depression is something far more serious and requires immediate attention. Some of the symptoms to watch out for are:
  • Changes in the sleeping patterns
  • Excessive moodiness and/or unexpected weeping
  • Eating habits that cause weight gain/loss
  • Excessive secrecy or paranoia
  • Self-mutilation
  • Excessive isolation
  • Abandonment of social groups and friends
  • Obsessive concerns for body image
Eating disorders Depression can often cause eating disorders. The following conditions may be a result of such disorders:
  • Anorexia – averting food and significant changes in their eating habits.
  • Bulimia – forced vomiting after eating food. You need to be on the lookout for significant weight loss without any changes in their eating habits.
Drug Abuse Peer pressure combined with mental issues can be very forceful in leading adolescents in trying out different drugs, including alcohol. In addition to knowing the physical and behavioral signs of drug abuse, parents and caretakers should also: Stay alert for abuse of prescription drugs: According to AAP, abuse of prescription drugs stands second after alcohol and marijuana abuse. Vicodin and Xanax are the most commonly abused drugs. Understand that over-the-counter (OTC) drugs can also be abused. Teenagers often misuse cough and cold medications that contain sedatives.   If you have any concerns regarding the health of your child – both mental and physical – you should first address your child. Opening the channels of communication is a great way that can pave way for a better understanding between you and them. If this does not work, then it is strongly recommended that professional health care staff be involved along with school management in order to control the situation before it gets any worse.   ** Jeff Yalden is a teen and family communicator and motivator. As a youth motivational speaker, Jeff is highly regarded as the Teen Whisperer when it comes to teens and mental health, suicide and teen depression.  If you are interested in Jeff visiting your high school, middle school, and parent/community, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.  Also, please visit www.NotTheSolution.com for Teen Depression and Teen Suicide if you know of a teen that is hurting.

Mental Health of Teenagers: Danger Signs

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Celebrity Teen & Family Life Coach

Adolescence is not easy. It affects not only the teenager but also parents. The former undergoes many changes, including sexual, physical, hormonal, emotional, intellectual, and social – the combined pressures of all these changes can often become overwhelming for them and may lead to a number of mental health issues. Mental health problems are a major concern as some can be life threatening. Here are a few guidelines for parents and caretakers to positively identify any mental health issues that their children may be suffering from.

Mental Health Problems Are Treatable

First of all, it is imperative to understand that mental health conditions can be treated. You can speak to a pediatrician, the local health department, the school’s representatives, and health care professionals regarding the treatment options available to you.

Keeping an Eye Open: Danger Signs to Look Out For

Excessive sleeping that is beyond the typical teenage fatigue. This could indicate substance abuse or depression.
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Unexpected decline in their academic performance
  • Loss of appetite and weight loss
  • Significant personality shifts, such as excessive anger and aggressiveness

Key Mental Health Issues

Some of the key mental health issues that teens need to be monitored for are:
  1. Depression
  2. Eating disorders
  3. Drug abuse
Depression While every human being experiences the ‘blues’, depression is something far more serious and requires immediate attention. Some of the symptoms to watch out for are:
  • Changes in the sleeping patterns
  • Excessive moodiness and/or unexpected weeping
  • Eating habits that cause weight gain/loss
  • Excessive secrecy or paranoia
  • Self-mutilation
  • Excessive isolation
  • Abandonment of social groups and friends
  • Obsessive concerns for body image
Eating disorders Depression can often cause eating disorders. The following conditions may be a result of such disorders:
  • Anorexia – averting food and significant changes in their eating habits.
  • Bulimia – forced vomiting after eating food. You need to be on the lookout for significant weight loss without any changes in their eating habits.
Drug Abuse Peer pressure combined with mental issues can be very forceful in leading adolescents in trying out different drugs, including alcohol. In addition to knowing the physical and behavioral signs of drug abuse, parents and caretakers should also: Stay alert for abuse of prescription drugs: According to AAP, abuse of prescription drugs stands second after alcohol and marijuana abuse. Vicodin and Xanax are the most commonly abused drugs. Understand that over-the-counter (OTC) drugs can also be abused. Teenagers often misuse cough and cold medications that contain sedatives.   If you have any concerns regarding the health of your child – both mental and physical – you should first address your child. Opening the channels of communication is a great way that can pave way for a better understanding between you and them. If this does not work, then it is strongly recommended that professional health care staff be involved along with school management in order to control the situation before it gets any worse. For more information about Mental Health and Teens, contact your school about inviting Jeff Yalden, Youth Motivational Speaker and Celebrity Teen & Family Life Coach to your community to speak to the middle school and high school students and to speak to the parents about teens today and the emotions plaguing our youth.  Visit www.JeffYalden.com for more informative information.  Suicide Prevention in our teens?  Text HELPMYFRIEND to 33444 and together we can save lives.  Visit www.NotTheSolution.com.

Suicide: Tips for Coping With The Loss of a Loved One

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Death by suicide not only affects the person who died, but also others – “Suicide Survivors” – who loved and cared deeply about the person. If you are a student survivor, this experience may be one of the most challenging experiences that you’ve ever faced. While there is no easy way to grieve, it is often helpful to understand what you might experience through the grieving process.

Understanding Grief

The shock and grief that consumes you after you lose someone to suicide is overwhelming. It can feel like you have fallen into a deep hole and will never be able to get out. These are natural feelings which will likely change as you move through the grieving process. No two people experience loss in the same way. Some may experience physical symptoms such as headaches or changes in appetite and/or sleeping patterns. A person in grief may also experience some or all of the following feelings:
  • SHOCK: “I feel numb.” Feelings of being dazed or detached are a common response to trauma. Shock can protect the mind from becoming completely overwhelmed, allowing the person to function.
  • DENIAL: “I feel fine.” Sometimes people can consciously or unconsciously refuse to accept the facts and information about another’s death. This process can be even more challenging when there is little information or explanation about a loved one’s suicide. Eventually, as you gather information and accept that you may not be able to know everything, you can begin to process the reality of this tragic event and all the emotions that come with it. In time, however, our minds become more able to analyze the tragic event, and this allows the denial to give way to less troubling emotions.
  • GUILT: “I think it was my fault.” Feelings of guilt following a suicide are very common. Guilt comes from the mistaken belief that we should have, or could have, prevented the death from happening. Guilt can also arise if there are un-reconciled issues with the deceased or regret about things said or not said. In truth, no person can predict the future, nor can they know all the reasons for another person’s actions. It is human nature to blame oneself when experiencing a loss, rather than accepting the truth that some things were out of our control.
  • SADNESS: “Why bother with anything?” Once the initial reactions to the death by suicide have lessened in intensity, feelings of sadness and depression can move to the forefront. These feelings can be present for some time and can, at times, be triggered by memories and reminders of the loved one who was lost. Feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, and self-pity are all common when dealing with a loss of a loved one. Typically, you gradually learn to accept the loss and embrace both your happy and sad memories.
  • ANGER: “How could they do this to me?” Feelings of anger towards the person you have lost can arise. Many who mourn feel a sense of abandonment. Others feel anger towards a real or perceived culprit. These feelings can be complex and distressing when they are directed at the person who died. It is important to know that it is possible to both be angry with someone, and to still hold them dear in your heart. Sometimes anger is needed before you can accept the reality of the loss.
  • ACCEPTANCE: “I can miss them and still continue living.” The ultimate goal of healing is to accept the tragic event as something that could not have been prevented and cannot be changed. Acceptance is not the same as forgetting. Instead, acceptance is learning to live again and to be able to reopen your heart, while still remembering the person who has passed away.

What Makes Suicide Different

Losing a friend or loved one is never easy. However, when you lose someone to suicide, it can feel different from other types of loss. Several circumstances can make death by suicide different, making the healing process more challenging. STIGMA AND ISOLATION: Talking about suicide can be difficult for those who have experienced the loss. Different cultures view suicide in different ways, and sometimes discussing it can be a challenge. This can also be made more difficult when the act of suicide conflicts with religious views. Suicide can be isolating as communities of friends each struggle differently to make sense of the loss they all experienced. Finding the right people in your support network who are able to help you experience your loss is important. Sometimes, this may mean seeking professional help in order to help you cope with your loss. In those situations it is recommended that you contact a counselor, mental health professional, or find a trusted therapist in the community. MIXED EMOTIONS: After a death by illness or natural causes, the bereaved’ s feelings may be less complicated than when the death is by suicide. When a death is by suicide, you might both mourn the person’s passing while also hold intense feelings about the circumstances of their death. Feelings such as anger, abandonment, and rejection can all occur after a suicide as well as positive feelings about the deceased. Sorting through all of these diverse feelings can make the healing process more challenging. NEEDING TO UNDERSTAND WHY: Understanding the circumstances of a death by suicide can sometimes lead us to asking “Why?” You may second guess actions, wish that you had noticed signs earlier, or wonder how you could have acted differently. This need to understand “why” may be a difficult path, as the circumstances surrounding the loved one’s death could be unclear or not easily known. Some questions may never be answered, while you may find other answers that make sense. Sometimes you will find answers to your questions, while other times, you must learn to accept the fact that there are some things no one can know. RISK FOR SURVIVORS: People who have recently experienced a loss by suicide are at increased risk for having suicidal thoughts themselves. After experiencing the loss of a loved one, it’s not uncommon to wish you were dead or to feel like the pain is unbearable. Remember that having suicidal thoughts does not mean that you will act on them. These feelings and thoughts will likely decrease over time, but if you find them too intense, or if you’re considering putting your thoughts into action, seek support from a mental health professional, counselor, trusted adult, or call 911 immediately.  The Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief and Loss

You will never “get over” the loss you’ve experienced, but you can “get through” it. You have been changed by this loss, but you can learn how to survive, even grow, from this challenge. The following are suggestions for healing in healthy ways: SEEK SUPPORT: It’s very important to find people in your life who are good listeners, so you can turn to someone when you need extra support. You may find it helpful to talk to a friend, family member, mental health professional or spiritual advisor. Some find joining a support group helpful since each person will be able to relate in different ways to your experience.  Whatever support looks like for you, it’s important to reach out for help when you feel like you need it. BE PATIENT: Just as you may be feeling a range of emotions, people around you may also be sorting through their feelings. Be patient with yourself and others: those who are supportive of you as well as those who do not seem to understand. Limit your contact with those who tell you how to feel and what to think. Take time to heal. Set limits for yourself, and give yourself permission to say “no” to things that may come your way. It’s difficult to make decisions when you’re feeling overwhelmed; you may decide it’s best to put off important decisions until you feel ready to make them. STAY PRESENT: Take each moment as it comes. That way, you can better accept whatever you’re feeling and be able to respond in the way that is most helpful to you. Maybe you would benefit from calling your best friend. Maybe journaling would help you let go of your thoughts for now. Learning mindfulness or relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help you stay present and experience your emotions without feeling overwhelmed. Your local community may have a Mindfulness Training Program where you can learn to be present and meditate. EXPRESS YOURSELF: You can choose to tell others how you’re feeling or acknowledge your feelings privately. If you don’t feel like talking, you can set aside time each day to grieve. Just make sure you leave enough time to do something pleasantly distracting before bed. Either way, acknowledging your experiences helps. ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE FUN: Social events or pleasant activities can provide relaxation and distraction. Laughter heals, and it’s also OK if you cry.  Get back to things you enjoyed and make it a priority. ESTABLISH ROUTINE: Even getting dressed may seem challenging, but it’s important to reestablish routine as soon as you can. Building in some structure can help you manage your grief and provide a sense of normalcy and hope. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Eat as well as you can, exercise when you can, and avoid alcohol and other drugs that will make it harder for you to work through your feelings. ** Jeff Yalden is a suicide prevention specialist who works with education, high schools, middle schools, parents, and communities to deal with a loss and the grieving process.  For more information on Jeff and his inspirational motivational school assemblies, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.

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